Thursday, November 29, 2007

How did our parents do it?

I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Maybe it's the relentless over-commercialism. The 47 catalogs I get a day screaming at me about "Gift Ideas!" The fact that Target had all their Christmas stuff up the day after Halloween.

I'm not a Scrooge, by any means. But I'm having a very hard time motivating myself to get the house picked up to the point where we can actually put up a Christmas tree.

Of course, I want to. When S and I were by ourselves, I put up a Christmas tree every year. Then the Christmas I was pregnant with KB, I didn't have the energy. KB's first Christmas, I didn't have the energy or the time. Plus we had celebrated Christmas at Thanksgiving with my family, because we were flying to India on Christmas day.

Last Christmas, we spent the holidays in Arkansas with my family, so we weren't going to be around much to enjoy a Christmas tree.

But this year, I want to restart the tradition. I want KB to come downstairs every morning to see the sparkling lights on the tree. I want him to take part in hanging ornaments on the branches. He deserves to have the Christmas magic that all little kids feel when they anticipate Christmas morning and Santa Claus.

I just...can't find the energy. I know I need to suck it up and do it. And it's probably going to be just me. S has never participated in putting up or decorating the tree. I guess I can't blame him, since he didn't grow up celebrating the holiday. But still. Can't he do it, or help, for KB's sake?

What S doesn't understand is that when I have to do all the everyday chores, that leaves precious little time or energy left over for the bigger tasks. Like the decluttering he desperately wants me to do. Like decorating the house for Christmas.

If he would just help me, for crying out loud, then maybe I wouldn't feel so hopeless about getting things done.

Ugh. I am sure my mom went through this. I can't remember my dad being an active participant in decorating our house/tree for Christmas either. And he sure didn't help around the house!

So how did my mom do it, with 3 small kids (or even with 1 or 2 small kids, when pregnant with another)? We always had a tree; we always had decorations. My mom cooked dinner every night, kept up with all the regular chores, and still had time to bake Christmas cookies.

And the Christmas that I was 5 years old, my dad built me a dollhouse and my mom MADE just about every piece of furniture that went into it.

For the life of me, I just can't figure out how she managed all of it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

All is well

Twin A is measuring 7 weeks, 6 days. Twin B is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days. According to my dates, I am 7 weeks, 5 days.

Good, strong heartbeats. And I got to hear both of them! Awesome. I had never heard a heartbeat via a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I loved hearing that sound with KB.

Apparently I will get an ultrasound at each and every OB appointment because I'm carrying double. Yea me.

Had 8 vials of blood drawn. And a Pap smear. Bleh.

Next appointment with the ob-gyn is December 12. In the meantime, I have another ultrasound with my RE on December 5. Ultrasounds abound!

Very tired. Going to veg for a bit and go to bed. Lately I've been going to bed by 9 or 9:30.

No morning sickness to speak of but I am soooooo flippin' tired.

We're back

We slipped away to a little bed and breakfast up in Mendocino for Thanksgiving. We had stayed at this particular B&B a couple of times in our previous life. It is a really great place and I will write more about it later.

S actually came up with the idea of going to Mendocino, completely unprompted, last weekend. For us, at this stage in our lives, 4-5 days' notice is pretty spontaneous.

The coast was as beautiful as I remembered it. I love the ocean. I could sit and watch it for hours.

We are so lucky that the innkeepers at the B&B were fine with us bringing KB along. The stay was not a complete disaster, as I feared it would be, but things could have been...better. KB was up at 5:30 the first two days and we had asked for the earliest breakfast delivery, which was not until 8:30. Keeping him quiet and entertained in the room was a definite challenge. We brought half a dozen of his favorite books but S didn't want to bring any of his toys. Oy.

Eventually I am going to learn that I just have to override S because he is very silly about things like this.

KB loved the ocean, although we never got close enough for him to even get his feet wet. The water here is way too cold. We had a couple of nice walks (about a mile round trip to the ocean and back) and KB walked nearly the whole way both times. Didn't tire him out enough to sleep late in the mornings, but...

It was nice to get away, but nicer still to get home. KB, as adaptable as we tend to think of him, is a creature of habit. He likes being in his house, with his toys and books. There were several times during the trip that KB said, "I wanna go home, Mommy. I wanna leave right now." I think he had a good time, and he definitely enjoyed all the outdoor time, but at this point in his young life, he prefers to stick closer to home.

And really, right now, that's fine by me.

P.S. I have my first appointment at my ob-gyn's office at 3:30 today. We haven't been released from the RE's office yet, and we will have another ultrasound there next Wednesday. S thinks I am being sneaky by going to the ob-gyn's for an appointment in between. My thinking is, I will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. Why wait until I get released from the RE (I hope) at 9 weeks, and then cross my fingers that I get an appointment at the ob's office quickly? I'm pretty sure the first trimester screening is at 11 weeks, so I'd rather get into the system and get the ball rolling on that.

Monday, November 19, 2007

An equal and opposite reaction

We told our families about the twins. We had debated waiting until about 12 weeks (right around Christmas) as we did with KB, but then we caved. After all, how many times in life will we get to say, "We're pregnant with twins"? It has a much better ring to it than "Well, we were pregnant with twins, but now..."

Moving on. We limited the news to immediate family, which meant my parents & sister, S's parents, sister/BIL, brother/SIL. I am not close enough to my brother at this point in my life that I was going to call him up at 11 pm to share the news. I figure my mom will tell him and my SIL at Thanksgiving anyway.

S's family was universally thrilled. "Wonderful!" "Great news!" "Fantastic!" and "Congratulations!" are just a few of the exclamations I remember. My MIL and S's sister both added, "So, trying to keep up with your big brother?"

My family, on the other hand, seemed less than thrilled. My sister asked with a flat voice, "Are you kidding me?" She told me I should go ahead and reserve my spot at the looney bin now. She also (helpfully) added, "I hope you're not like me and got your easy kid first." While she is correct that if KB ends up being my 'easy' kid, then I am in a shitload of trouble, she could have saved the sentiment for another time.

My mother was equally unenthusiastic. Her immediate reply was "WHAT?! Are you kidding me?!" When I told her that the doctor warned us that there was a 40-50% chance of the twins reducing to a singleton, she replied, "Wow, I almost don't know..." and her voice trailed off. "Which outcome to root for?" I prompted. Yeah, pretty much. She eventually decided she would just "pray for the outcome that was meant to be."

The next morning, Mom told Dad. He had been asleep when I called. When she indicated that there might be someone new for him to meet next summer, he replied, "They're having ANOTHER one?" When Mom replied that it looked like twins, he said "Holy shit!"

So. I'm sad that my family didn't respond in the same way that S's family did. But I'm also deeply curious why they didn't. Do they think I'm too old to have another child? Do they think KB is that much of a handful that I can't handle another? Are they just stunned at the prospect of twins?

Or is it that I've been a little too forthcoming with my mom and sister about how little S does around here, and they are worried that adding twins to the mix is going to push me over the edge?

I'm really, really curious. But I'm not sure I'm ready to ask yet.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Relief...and surprise

Long, long ago, before S and I knew how tough a time we would have creating a family, we talked about how many kids we wanted. Each of us comes from a family of 3 siblings. I thought 3 children sounded like a pretty good number, while S insisted he wanted only 2.

"What if," I asked him, playing devil's advocate, "we had one child, then got pregnant with twins when we tried for a second one?"

I think he said something smart-assed about giving one away.

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago. I was talking to one of S's cousins at a family gathering. She was asking if we were getting ready to try for #2. I told her that we were just starting fertility treatments again. Her eyes grew big. "Aren't you scared you might wind up with twins?" she asked me. I tried very hard to stifle a laugh. Was she kidding? Did she know how much trouble we had getting/staying pregnant with one?

Fast-forward again, post-IUI. When I asked KB if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister, he replied, "A baby brother AND a baby sister." When I ask him how many babies are in Mommy's tummy, he replies, "Two. Two babies, and one girl."

Anyone who doesn't see what's coming, please raise your hand.

Yes, miracle of miracles, we saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats.

From a cycle that I was ready to write off after the first follicle scan. From a cycle that supposedly only had one dominant follicle and some other piddly ones.

The doctor who did my ultrasound was very blunt. He said there is a 40-50% chance of the twins reducing to a singleton. And he said there is still a 20-25% chance of miscarriage in general.

So I'm not out of the woods yet, but right now, today, I am carrying twins.

I could not be more nervous

My stomach is doing flips.

I am not the least bit hungry.

And I still have over 2 hours left until my ultrasound. Aiyee.

Need to find a quiet spot and just meditate for the next little while.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Nothing to say

I am so. effing. tired. And I cannot think of much to say that is not a rehash of my previous posts.

6 weeks today, more or less. Ultrasound tomorrow at 11 am. Trying very hard to think positively. This is our 4th pregnancy and we have one child, so you can see why I might be a wee bit nervous.

KB is talking so much lately. It's non-stop, all day long. It wears me out, especially when most of his conversation consists of questions and then follow-up questions.

Daddy did swimming lessons last night and I enjoyed just watching KB in the water from afar. He is so comfortable in the water, which was exactly our goal when we started swimming lessons for him. It's amazing to see how easily he puts his face in the water.

Gotta take a shower and get ready for work.

I could really use some caffeine, but I'm trying to be good. I sure miss my Diet Dr. Pepper, though.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cravings and nausea and sex dreams (oh my!)

I am sitting here at work and all I can think of are noodles. If I knew of a Pho place close by I would sooooo be making a quick run. As it is, the quick noodle place that I really like is in another little town and I don't even know how long it would take me to get there and back. I may have to take off early to indulge myself.

At lunchtime, I waited a little bit too long to eat and I swear I could feel the first waves of nausea. Morning sickness? I have no idea. Last time, if I remember, it started around 6 weeks and only lasted until 8 or so. Until I find myself hunched over the toilet, I refuse to believe it was nausea that I felt.

And last night I had my first sex dream of the pregnancy. Wow! Very hot and steamy. Um, am I a horrible person because the dream was NOT about my husband? It was about a guy that I had a HUGE crush on all through college and beyond. We're still friends and keep in touch sporadically. I've known him for almost 20 years now. Have NO idea why I had a sex dream about him last night, but I'm not complaining. :-)

Nipples are still sore. I'm still having hot flashes. I still cannot predict which way this pregnancy is going, but I am trying not to think about it too much.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Good thing I didn't get these numbers first

My OB's office called yesterday with Saturday's hCG results. They use a lab that is a little, shall we say, slow.

The nurse said, "I'm a little confused why we're running these for you." Do most women just get a qualitative hCG test? Pregnant or not pregnant? Give me numbers, baby!

So my hCG level on Saturday (17dpiui) was 908. If I had gotten that number on Saturday afternoon, I would have freaked out and worried the rest of the weekend. Since my 15dpiui level was 477, I was looking for something in the 950 range.

I'm just very glad I got Monday's result (2238) first.

Again, to recap:

10/31, 11:50 am: 296 (14dpiui)
11/1, 9:00 am: 477 (15dpiui)
11/3, 10:10 am: 908 (17dpiui)
11/5, 9:15 am: 2238 (19dpiui)

The 15dpiui and 19dpiui tests were done in the lab at the RE's office. The 14dpiui and 17 dpiui tests were done by two different offices of the Stanford Blood Lab.

But still, I would think a quant. hCG is a quant. hCG.

Oh well, no point in stressing about it now.

Of course, I've been taking all my numbers and Googling obsessively for things like hCG predictive pregnancy outcome. I really need to stop.

But I think at least I've figured out why the first several weeks of pregnancy unnerve me so. There's no feedback. Aside from a couple (few) beta hCG numbers and hopefully an ultrasound (or two, or three), there is little indication WTF is going on inside my body.

At least in the second and third trimesters, you can feel the baby move and kick. From 10 or so weeks on, you can hear the baby's heartbeat on Doppler. (Aside: yes, I will be renting one again. I am that needy.)

Yes, my boobs are killing me and I maul them at every opportunity: "Are they still sore? Are they still as sore as they were yesterday?"

And I'm exhausted. But I'm sure that has more to do with my whirling dervish of a 2-year-old.

I wonder what Tom and Katie did with their ultrasound machine after Suri was born? I sure could use one right about now.

Can't believe I have to wait another week.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

5 weeks, more or less

My IUI was 3 weeks ago today. Not sure if conception happened that day or the following day. So I am right around 5 weeks. Will know more once I get an ultrasound.

The time is dragging. I took my first HPT on Monday night, October 29th, so I've known I was pregnant for less than 9 days. It feels like weeks.

Honestly, I thought that having a 2-year-old at home would be more than enough distraction for me. And truthfully, I don't think about the pregnancy all the time. I'm sure I had lots more time to be obsessive during those early days/weeks with KB.

If you've never experienced infertility and/or miscarriage, I suppose it's hard to understand having a great deal of anxiety during the first trimester.

I wonder how many women get two lines on a pregnancy test and sail confidently through their pregnancies, being absolutely certain they will have babies at the end?

That was probably me during my first pregnancy. Miscarriages were something that happened to other people. Not to me. Not to someone who'd been trying to conceive for 15 months and who so desperately wanted a baby.

And yet it happened all the same.

Not that I am fearful 100% of the time. Each of my hCG results has given me hope and a wee bit of confidence that things are going well. But I know that, for me, getting to that first ultrasound is key. If we see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, I will feel much better.

I can't stand waiting. I'm no good at surprises. If only I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future and know that all would end well...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Yuck

Have I mentioned how much I hate progesterone suppositories?

They really really really make me feel like I'm about to start my period any minute.

Monday, November 5, 2007

And still more numbers

hCG results from today: 2238.

This is great news. Thursday's hCG level was 477, and the number should have doubled twice by today's blood draw. I was hoping for a level just a smidge over 1900.

I'm happy. I'm by no means confident yet that this pregnancy will result in a live baby, but I'm happy.

First ultrasound: next Thursday (11/15) at 11 am. I'll be 6 weeks.

Gotta do lots of fun stuff with KB between now and then to distract myself.

btw, KB keeps insisting he wants "a baby brother AND a baby sister." Gulp.

Friday, November 2, 2007

More numbers

OB's office called today with the results from Wednesday's bloodwork. Progesterone was "normal" (I'll ask on Monday for the actual number).

hCG from Wednesday was 296.

So, to recap:

10/31, 11:50 am: 296
11/1, 9:00 am: 477

This is better than the "doubling every 48 hours" rate.

So far so good.

P.S. I know, I really should have just been patient and gone to my RE's office as scheduled. I called my OB's office on Wednesday, thinking they could get my results the same day. When they said they couldn't give results for at least 48 hours, I felt stupid saying "OK, just forget it".

P.P.S. S is home. He is reading bedtime stories to KB as I type. Sweet relief.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

hCG numbers

Went to the fertility clinic this morning for my blood draw. The nurse called me back in less than 3 hours.

My hCG level at 15dpiui is 477. (For comparison, my number with KB at the same stage was 408.)

Normally, they'd test again after 48 hours to make sure the number doubles, but the nurse told me to wait until Monday.

Not sure why; the clinic is open weekends since not everyone ovulates or starts a period Monday through Friday.

Anyway, by Monday afternoon I should have a better idea of where this might possibly be going.

Oh, here's something laughable: I was advised to take it easy, avoid straining or lifting, etc. I asked what I was supposed to do with my 32 pound toddler who still likes to be carried when it suits his fancy. The nurse replied "Try to distract him with something else when he asks you to carry him."

Riiiiiiiight. Because that always works.

Halloween

KB loved trick-or-treating last night. He was a little shy at the beginning, but after maybe two houses, he started yelling "TrickerTreat! TrickerTreat! TrickerTreat!" as soon as we'd ring a doorbell.

He only stopped and tried to eat candy once, and I told him that candy was "for putting in his trick-or-treat bag now and for eating later". He actually listened, and repeated it back to me several times throughout the evening. Of course, as soon as we got home, he wanted to eat candy and there was no way in hell that was happening just before bedtime.

He pitched a hellacious fit after we got home. My southern relatives would have deemed it a "wall-eyed fit". We were both crying by the end. I couldn't do anything right. Even if he told me he wanted me to do something (like carry him upstairs), he then changed his mind and screamed bloody murder that he wanted to do something else.

I think he was just very tired from three nights in a row of late bedtimes *and* the Halloween party he had at daycare, where the kids got terribly sugared up.

He was completely fine this morning and did not make reference to any badness last night. I've been giving him as many hugs and snuggles as he will let me because I still feel like shit about how last night went down.

S comes back tomorrow and I am so ready for the relief. Being a single parent is f*cking hard. I don't know how people do it for weeks, months, years on end. Seriously.

I told my mom tonight, every time I have to do this single parent gig for any length of time, I have more and more respect for my sister and what she must go through on a regular basis.