Monday, February 25, 2008

So lonely (with a side of guilt)

I know, saying I'm lonely is a strange thing to admit when I just finished expressing relief at not having to host people for the weekend.

To me, though, there is a big difference between wanting to be with peers who understand what I'm going through and having to host people who have no clue.

Quite honestly, this is the worst I have ever felt during one of S's business trips. The couple that he made before KB was born were AWESOME. I could do whatever I wanted; watch TV or not; read without being disturbed, go to bed whenever I wanted, etc.

Now, of course, KB comes first and taking care of him is my top (sometimes only) priority. It is lonely and exhausting being 100% responsible for another creature, especially one with the whims and fickle nature of a 2.5 year old.

I have been feeling very guilty since S left -- guilty for being sick, guilty for not making more of an effort to take KB out (despite being sick and despite the never-ending rain), guilty for letting KB watch too many Pixar movies, guilty for not coming up with enriching activities for him on a daily basis.

This morning, when I dropped him off at day care (after we spent the last 3 days together), I felt guilty again.

I always thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. And for a while, I did. KB stayed home with me for 7.5 months. But then I felt guilty about not going back to work after maternity leave, so I went back for a few months. Then I quit that job for good, stayed home with KB for several more months, and eventually took a part-time contracting gig because it turned out we needed the extra income.

But I feel like the crappiest mother. I feel like I'm choosing to work over choosing to stay home with KB. And the worst part is, I don't even particularly love my job. It isn't something I look forward to when I wake up in the morning. But unless we move someplace with a more reasonable cost of living, I think we need whatever money I bring in.

Ugh. I'm rambling and not making sense. I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty about just about every aspect of my life. I don't know how to turn off that part of my brain.

2 comments:

Rhonda said...

Mommy Guilt. It's always something, huh. Hugs!!!

I hope you are feeling better soon!!

pithydithy said...

You know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Right? Right. I know that you do. I also know (as the world's guiltiest woman) that it's about impossible to avoid. So let me just say that I'd have felt the same about the houseguest issue and that I also feel that as great as I think having a stay-at-home parent is, I also am not sure how I'd stay sane if I were one. You're doing a great job, hon! And I'm sure that Kiran gets plenty of interaction with you-- time doing nothing doesn't hurt either.

Actually, that inspires me to maybe write this entry that I've had brewing about what, exactly, one does with a baby all day. Finn is currently pulling everything off of a shelf in the study while I use the chance to type this. I should probably be reading to him or teaching him to sign or flashing multiplication cards. ;-)