Just got back from today's ultrasound.
Twin A looks great. Measuring exactly 9 weeks (which I am today), heart rate around 156 bpm, moving all around, limb buds distinct and waving wildly. Go, baby, go!
Twin B is gone. No heartbeat, measuring around 8 weeks, but hard to tell because features were very indistinct. My body is already starting to re-absorb the embryo.
Truthfully, I am OK. I am sad but not heartbroken.
Twins would have been very, very difficult when we already have a gorgeous, spirited, incredibly high-energy little boy at the center of our universe.
I don't mean to sound heartless or ungrateful. I am extremely grateful that Twin A looks great, and I hope with all my being that s/he continues to do well. And I did not wish or hope Twin B out of existence.
For a long, long time, I dreamed of having twins. I am sad to let go of that dream. But I have to be honest with myself and I have to be practical.
At some point, it may hit me what I've lost. For now, I feel a mixture of sadness and relief. And I feel like a horrible person for admitting that.
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2 comments:
Not horrible. Honestly, I'd feel it too. I'm scared enough bringing one baby in to this family and still giving Lucas everything he deserves. The idea of bringing two and having to deal is overwhelming. I think most people would have some sense of relief.
I'm so sorry, Melissa. I know that you have mixed feelings and that you still have happiness because one baby is growing and thriving (go baby, go!). But I also feel that sadness with you for the baby who will not be. I'm thinking of you. Hugs.
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