(Mis)Adventures with My Boys

Very brief update

2008-11-19T08:46:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been over 2 months since I've written. Yikes.

The anniversary date went better than expected. We returned to our hotel room at 11:30 pm to find KB still awake, waiting up for us. NOT something we expected at all. The in-laws did not have it in them to "make" him go to sleep. AB was asleep in Thatha's arms. I suspect they didn't put him down the entire time, both to keep him sleeping AND to keep KB from jumping all over him.

In other news:

- The in-laws left last week. A week ago, in fact. I love having my house back. They helped out in their way. I will have to do a longer post on this topic.

- S has still not found a job. His last day of work was August 8th. His severance pay and our benefits run out in mid-December. To say I am scared shitless is a gross understatement. I will have to do a longer post on this topic.

- I returned to my contract job on Monday. I was not and am not totally ready, but given our household economic circumstances, I don't really have much of a choice. I guess the one saving grace is that S is home right now, so we don't have to put AB into daycare just yet. I'm starting out slowly, 2 days a week, and will probably work up to 3 days (as I was doing before I went out on maternity leave). I don't really want to work more than 3 days a week, but we'll have to see how S's job search goes.

- Not really much else. I really need to figure out a routine for mornings. KB goes to preschool 4 days a week and has recently started asking to go on Fridays as well. Mornings are pretty chaotic trying to get KB ready, get me ready, get AB down for his morning nap, etc. I can't imagine what life will be like when S is getting ready for work in the mornings also.

S has taken KB to school. I'm waiting for AB to wake up so I can nurse him one last time before dashing off to work.

Honestly, I never saw myself going back to work before S did. Fingers crossed he finds a job soon so I can stop worrying.

Dread

2008-09-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

I am upstairs. AB is downstairs with MIL. She is trying to put him to sleep. He is screaming -- the kind of scream where he's actually starting to go hoarse.

My heart is pounding, my breasts are tingling, and I just want to go down there and make everything right.

S doesn't want me to. This is supposed to be a dry run for tomorrow night, when the in-laws are keeping the boys so S & I can have an early anniversary date in the city.

I could not bear the thought of leaving the kids here with the in-laws while we were over an hour away, so we are getting two hotel rooms close to the restaurant where we have reservations. I think it's a 10-minute cab ride from the hotel to the restaurant. Much better, if we need to get back quickly, than a 1+ hour drive home.

But I am terrified. MIL seems even more inept with AB than she was with KB. I cannot figure out why. He is not difficult to put to sleep, although his mood does turn on a dime. He absolutely has to be soothed to sleep within 2 hours of waking up, or he screams bloody murder. MIL does not understand that and doesn't respect it.

A couple of nights ago, she completely ignored AB's sleepy signs (we had stepped out to pick up KB, to talk to his teacher, and to buy him some shoes). I had told her we should be back well before he needed to eat again, but at her insistence, I left a bottle just in case. Of course, when we walked in, she was giving him a bottle. She said he had started crying and she couldn't get him to stop. One glance at the clock said he was sleepy, not hungry.

I have horrible visions of her gorging him with 12 ounces of breastmilk tomorrow night while we are at dinner. I know she will keep him awake past his 2-hour window, and he will scream, and she will get all flustered that she can't put him to sleep, and she'll give him another bottle. Then she'll call me at the restaurant and tell me she's out of breastmilk and we need to come back.

Why did I ever let myself get talked into this date? My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

Nursing is a full-time job!

2008-09-08T22:30:00.000-07:00

I love that breastfeeding AB is going well. I do. I love that he is filling out and actually getting rolls on his thighs.

Sometimes as I watch him nursing, I hear him gulping and swallowing and marvel that I am making ACTUAL MILK! I'm feeding him! Me!

Other times I wonder who is sneaking into our house in the middle of the night and feeding this child. It boggles my mind that I am producing 100% of his nourishment.

Nursing sessions are still lasting forever. I know I should not complain. At least AB feeds about every 3 hours, not every 2 hours. And the last two nights have been lovely, with some 5+ hour stretches of sleep.

But I do feel that I am becoming one with the couch. I feel as if there is a baby on my boob just about all the time.

Tonight I took KB out to dinner after I fed AB. I wanted to spend some time with my sweet angel boy, just the two of us. I knew our relationship would be different once we had a second baby, but I wasn't prepared for how much I would miss him.

The view from here

2008-09-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

AB just fed for an hour and a half (including a lot of falling asleep at the breast). Now he's in the bouncy seat while I contemplate eating something for lunch.

KB is at preschool.

S's parents have disappeared again. This time, they have gone off with his cousin to do a week of sightseeing in Northern California. But not the redwood forest; they saw that in 2002 and Heaven forbid they see the same thing twice.

Remind me again why we spent $2800 to fly them here to "help us"?

S is upstairs taking a nap. He said he would be up at 12:45. It's 1:30.

I'm on my 5th load of laundry in two days.

I am not happy.

Robbing Peter to pay Paul

2008-08-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

S's solution to decluttering the downstairs? Cram all the clutter into boxes and stack the boxes in the upstairs office.

Yes, the same upstairs office that we are supposed to be CLEARING to use for AB's room.

Sigh.

So the downstairs is starting to look decent. The upstairs is in shambles.

And he cut the lawn, weeded, and trimmed earlier today with his dad.

I don't know who these people are who are coming over tomorrow. I'm wondering if I need to put on my nicest dress and my priciest jewelry. They must be Indian nobility or something!!

Why can't he get this fired up about doing chores around the house on a regular basis? Why must it be to impress these particular friends of his parents?

I still don't get it.

2 months

2008-08-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

2 month appointment today.

Weight: 10 lbs, 10 oz (25th percentile)
Length: 23 inches (50th percentile)
Head circumference: 39.5 cm (between 25th and 50th percentile)

The pediatrician was pleased at the (almost) 2 lb gain in a month. He asked me "So, when did your milk finally come in?" Huh? I told him the milk was always there, it was the baby who wasn't taking it all.

I felt very smug indeed when I told him that I stopped all the supplements of expressed milk immediately after AB's 1-month appointment.

He agreed that I'd done a very good job of turning things around.

Huzzah! And now I don't have to go back for 2 more months.

AB has been VERY irritable today after his (4) shots. I don't think he's slept more than a couple of 10-15 minute stretches since we got home. He's pretty much been hanging out on the boob.

I finally got him to sleep by swaddling him. Now I bet KB will wake him up when he and Daddy get home from swimming. Argh.

Same old story: no time

2008-08-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

- S is on a job interview. I'm glad he's interviewing, but this is for another start-up, and for many reasons, I would rather he get a job at an established company.

- AB is in the bouncy seat but is starting to get fussy (he just ate, so I know he's not hungry).

- KB is at preschool; I'll go get him in a little bit

- We had way too many activities this past weekend. That always screws up KB's nap schedule and AB's eating. He doesn't seem to like feeding outside when it's hot.

- The in-laws have been gone since August 11th, but they return on Wednesday. They went to visit some other relatives in Chicago and Memphis. It has been SO NICE to just be a family of 4. I'm really not looking forward to having them back.

- S is on a tear to declutter and to clean the downstairs. His parents have invited over some of their friends who are visiting the Bay Area from Seattle. S desperately wants to make a good impression on his parents' friends because of how much that would please his parents. Huh?? I would like to devote an entire post to how I feel about this. I know it's a cultural difference but the whole situation is beyond my comprehension.

OK, AB won't give me any more time. Can you believe he will be 2 months old on Wednesday?!?!

The briefest of updates

2008-08-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

Breastfeeding is going better. I think. AB weighed 9 lbs, 12 oz at group on Thursday. (After eating, he was up to a cool 10 lbs) Last week, he was 9 lbs, 4 oz at group. So 8 oz in 7 days. Not bad.

He doesn't seem to like the right side much, for some reason. He grunts, twists my nipple, pulls off frequently. I don't know if I'm just holding him badly or what. I usually do cradle hold first and then switch to the football hold to let him empty the breast as much as possible. He does much better on the left side. I'm trying *not* to favor that side because I don't want Righty to dry up from lack of use.

The biggest issue, I guess, is how frickin' long AB takes to feed. He's a sipper. He usually takes 45 minutes to an hour to finish both sides. He is not a one-boob man, oh no. He wants both boobs at every feeding. And he takes. for. ever. Sometimes he takes even longer than an hour.

I'm trying to hang in there. I keep hoping that as he gets bigger and stronger, he'll get more efficient. I just wish I knew when that might happen. Nursing is literally a full-time job, and it's very, very difficult on the days KB is home with me.

Luckily (or not), S is still looking for a job, so he's home with us right now. Oh, did I mention that he got laid off from his job?

Yeah, so there's that.

Have to run for now. AB is starting to fuss, and it's getting close to feeding time again.

So much to write, so little time

2008-08-06T13:54:00.000-07:00

- No time. No privacy. I HATE having extra people in my house. FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS -- gah!!!!!!!

- AB weighed 8 lbs, 11 oz at his one month appointment on July 30th. He gained almost a pound in 9 days.

- The next day, at the breastfeeding support group, he weighed 8 lbs, 15 oz.

- I have dropped all post-feed bottles and am nursing exclusively except the middle of the night. Then S gives AB a bottle and I pump. We both get back to sleep faster.

- KB is really testing his limits lately. I think he's also testing me to see if I will still love him if he pushes me away. He refuses to say goodnight to me when he goes up to bed (usually I am nursing AB when KB's bedtime comes around). Breaks my heart but I think he's doing it all out of new-baby jealousy.

- S's grandmother passed away very suddenly back in India. Her condition deteriorated so quickly that there was no time for my in-laws to get back. And S's grandfather wanted the funeral services completed by the next day, so there is no point of their going back now.

- AB going through 6-week growth spurt, I think. Speaking of which, he's awake again and crying for boob. Hope to write more later.

Slow and steady...

2008-07-26T21:39:00.000-07:00

AB will be one month old tomorrow. One month!

I think I've got to call the kids by their initials. Having both their names in this blog makes it entirely too Google-able.

No real time to write, except to say that at breastfeeding support group on Thursday, AB weighed 8 pounds even. Gain: 4 ounces in 3 days. I've got to keep up the supplements until his one-month appointment on 7/30. I'm betting the pediatrician wants to see something close to 8.5 pounds.

And btw, the lactation consultant also concurred that I need to find a new pediatrician ASAP. She gave me the name of someone to call.

I'm very tired, and I need to go back through the last few posts and edit names. Certainly don't want the in-laws to see all my bitching about them. ;-)

How do my ILs drive me batshit crazy? Let me count the ways...

2008-07-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

If I had the time, and the energy, I would enumerate them all. But I fear that would take days.

- MIL gives me constant updates on AB. If his eyes are even the slightest bit open, she proclaims "He's wide awake!!" And thinks this means she should play with him. If he has his eyes closed, "He's fahst asleep". If he cries at all, it's because "He's hungry!"

- FIL and MIL both refuse to let AB go to sleep. They want to be holding him all. the. time. If he is still, and shows signs of drowsiness, they will snap their fingers in his face or whistle loudly to wake him up. Holy shit, does this piss me off. Then when he inevitably startles, MIL will tell me "He doesn't want to sleep."

- FIL gives me no personal space while nursing. For several days, I tried going out to the living room and sitting on the couch to nurse. FIL would pace around the house and walk right up to me while I had my boob out. So I decided, screw it. If he wants to see my boobs, he can see them. Now I just sit in the family room and if he's around, he gets a free show.

- MIL talks to KB as if he's about 12 months old, high-pitched 'parentese' and all. It's incredibly condescending and annoying. I don't think KB cares for her too much.

- MIL and FIL both accost KB the second he comes home from preschool. They try to force him to give them hugs. They don't seem to understand that at this age, they would have better luck letting KB come to them.

- MIL thinks we should eat every single meal together. They will wait and wait and wait for me to eat lunch with them, even when I tell them that I am busy with AB and that they should go ahead.

- They drink water and then put the used glasses on the dish drainer as if they are clean. YUCK!!!

- They use about 6 coffee cups per day, each, instead of rinsing and re-using them. The dishwasher fills up quickly because they drink so much coffee and have several snack times every day.

- I have absolutely no personal space anymore. I feel as if I need to be entertaining them. If I want to hang out in my room, with my baby, I feel guilty that I'm not downstairs with them. If I stay downstairs with them, the conversation is stilted (or non-existent) and I am bored out of my ever-living mind.

This is going to be the longest 4 months ever. How did I forget how much they drove me insane after KB was born?

S talks about how much "help" they are/will be. Ha! They are certainly no help around the house, they are actively ruining AB's sleep/wake cycles, and just having them here is making me miserable. The only thing MIL does that is helpful is to give AB his post-BF bottle. And once the Lact-Aid arrives, she won't even be doing that.

Honestly, I wish my parents could have stayed and the ILs were the ones who had already gone back home.

Deflated

2008-07-22T16:28:00.001-07:00

Yesterday we had another weight check at the pediatrician's office.

7 lbs, 12 oz.

Same as 5 days before. :-(

The doctor all but called me a shitty mother right to my face. He did say, "You are treading on the very edges of my patience...no, let me say it even better: You are seriously trying my patience."

So I've got to step up the supplements and figure out what in the hell is wrong with our breastfeeding mojo that AB can't gain weight unless I'm giving him extra at every feeding.

Lact-Aid is on order and I hope will be here Friday.

Oh, and my in-laws are driving me up the motherfucking wall. And they just arrived on Wednesday.

P.S.

2008-07-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

I am very proud to say that all the supplements AB has gotten post-hospital have been expressed breast milk. Go me! :-)

During our hospital stay, my milk hadn't come in, so he got 7 1-oz shots of formula while he was under the bili lights.

So far, I've been able to keep up with his demand. Hooray for More Milk Plus!

I am not averse to formula -- KB never could get the hang of breastfeeding, and I had my own problems post-partum, so he ended up being formula-fed after about 5 months.

Still, since AB is most likely my last baby, I want to give BFing every chance to work, and I'm happy we're making good progress. I know it's early days yet, but I really, really, REALLY want to make this work.

Thanks to all of you who are cheering us on!!

Huzzah!

2008-07-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

AB weighed 7 lbs, 12 oz at the pediatrician's office today. I was astounded!!

We are also done with the bili blanket. YEA! We can have AB snuggled in bed with us again. I missed sleeping with my little man.

We'll have another weight check on Monday. We're supposed to continue with the supplements, but I'm going to try my damnedest just to nurse more. I had already cut the supplements down to 1 extra oz per feeding for the last couple of days. Had gone up to 1.5 - 2 oz per feeding to try to put more chub on the bub.

AB is already waking up a lot more often to nurse now that he's out of the bili blanket. I will supplement after nursing if I feel like he didn't get much, but I'm not going to automatically give a bottle every time.

Tomorrow is the breastfeeding support group, so I'll get another weight check as well as a weigh-feed-weigh. I'm very curious to see if AB is taking more at a time now that he's bigger.

I think the pediatrician was also very surprised at our progress.

Will have to write more tomorrow. I'm exhausted, and need to grab a few winks before the next feeding.

Weighty matters

2008-07-14T22:05:00.001-07:00

Went to the lactation consultant's office at the hospital today to do a weigh-feed-weigh and a naked weigh for AB.

He took almost 2 oz from me, nursing on both sides. That was mid-afternoon. He definitely drinks more in the mornings.

His naked weight? 7 lbs, 8.8 oz, after nursing. Woot! My breastmilk doesn't suck ass. We've managed about a 6 oz weight gain since Friday. Go us.

Definitely need to get a supplementer, though. I don't mind supplementing for a bit if I need to, but AB needs to get more efficient at the boob, and bottles aren't exactly helping in that department.

Better

2008-07-13T20:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the comments about BFing, and the advice about block feeding. I will have to try that.

I do have "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding" and have been reading the sections on slow weight gain over and over.

The bili blanket is definitely keeping AB too warm and cozy. We have to wake him to feed, and he's pretty lazy most of the time. I hope this is due to his feeling all comfy and *not* because of the bottles.

I'm going to be ordering a Lact-aid tomorrow. The environmentalist in me doesn't want all the disposable bags, but...

AB's bili level was 14.3 this morning. Yea! The pediatrician on call wasn't our doctor, so she didn't want to make the decision to take AB off the bili blanket. We'll call our doctor tomorrow to talk about next steps.

I've been pumping after every feed (and before some others) and I'm just worn out. My boobs are totally soft right now. I hope this isn't a bad sign. I'm terrified of losing my supply already. Going to lie down and try to catch a nap before the next feed.

Thanks for all the good thoughts and the advice. I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of support in the next few weeks.

Update

2008-07-12T17:19:00.000-07:00

AB is having a very hard time. His weight gain is not just slow, it is non-existent. His birth weight on 6/27 was 7 lbs, 9 oz. His discharge weight on 6/30 was 7 lbs, 2 oz, and he dropped to 7 lbs even a few days after that. This past Tuesday, he was still 7 lbs even. His pediatrician said we had until Friday to turn his weight around and then we were going to have to start talking about supplementing. We were sent to the lactation consultant immediately to create a plan for getting back on track.

My theory is that AB isn't getting enough of my hindmilk when he nurses. His stools have been more brown than yellow, with very few seeds. The LC suggested pumping for 5 minutes before each feeding to make sure AB gets the hindmilk sooner.

At Friday's ped. appointment, AB had only gained 1 oz. And the pediatrician said his jaundice looked worse. He sent us to the hospital to get another bilirubin check. He said if the level was 16 or above, he was going to seriously consider re-admitting AB to the NICU. It came back 17.1. I guess the ped. took pity on me, because he is giving us a chance over the weekend to treat AB at home with a bili blanket. It was delivered yesterday evening and we've been using it ever since (except for a couple of night-time feedings, which were too difficult to maneuver with the blanket).

We're also supplementing -- luckily, I had been pumping since the day after my milk came in, so I have a little stash in the freezer. I didn't want to start bottles for another couple of weeks, but I guess we will have to work on re-learning breastfeeding once AB gains weight and gets rid of his jaundice.

We go in tomorrow for another bilirubin check and I hope I'll be able to send out another update soon. It's hard for me to get online with everything going on. It is hard for KB to understand why Mommy and Daddy are so stressed out and why we are spending so much time with AB. We're trying to give both boys the attention they need but...it's tough.

I hope we don't have to keep up the bili blanket more than a couple of days.

All good thoughts are appreciated as we work on getting AB healthy.

I am hoping that, with weight gain and increasing strength, AB will get better at nursing and I can stop the pumping and supplementing. Somebody please tell me that's not wishful thinking.

Waking up a sleeping baby?

2008-07-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

Yes/no?

Should I be waking AB up to eat every 2 hours at this stage?

Most of the time, he wants to eat somewhere between 2-3 hours after his last feeding. I try not to let him go any longer than 3 hours during the day, but should I be feeding him more often and waking him up if necessary?

KB always wanted to eat every 2 hours on the dot, so having this laid-back baby is a new experience for me.

AB eats pretty well, but I still feel like he's not draining the breast. I don't want to risk a supply problem, but I dread the idea of pumping after every feeding.

OK, you breastfeeding mamas, here's your chance to give me tons of advice. Bullet points very much appreciated in my sleep-deprived state. :-)

He's here; we're home

2008-07-02T22:46:00.001-07:00

A*idan T*homas arrived June 27, 2008 at 1:02 pm.

Length: 20 inches
Weight: 7 lbs, 9 oz

He was kept away from me for 5 full hours after delivery because he was born with fluid in his lungs (a problem common for c-section babies). Even after the fluid was removed, his respiration rate was very high (around 100 when the doctors wanted to see < 60). I was not allowed to see him, touch him, or feed him.

This sucked mightily. But we were reunited around 6 pm Friday night and all was well until Sunday, when AB's bilirubin level (12.7) suddenly placed him in the high risk category for pathologic jaundice. He went into an isolette in the NICU (at our hospital, the same as the nursery, and luckily for me, right across from my post-partum room) around noon on Sunday.

I was able to feed him every 3 hours, but he was only allowed out of the box for 30 minutes each time.

This again sucked mightily.

Monday morning, I fed AB at 6:30 am and went back to my room to wait for the results of the morning's bilirubin test. Our pediatrician came in around 8 am to tell me that amazingly, AB's level had gone down to 10.4. In his experience, he had never seen a baby with ABO incompatibility and jaundice turn things around so fast.

In other words, my baby is a rock star!!

AB was removed from the blue lights and we were both given the go-ahead for discharge, even though we technically could have stayed until Tuesday.

Knock on wood, breastfeeding is going well, sleep is going well, and AB is a seriously mellow baby.

KB is one very proud big brother. We are trying to let him help out as much as possible, and he really is a great helper.

Much more to say, but I should take advantage of this time to sleep. Will try to post again when I can.

The best-laid plans...

2008-06-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

Suddenly the cloth diaper question is the least of my worries.

Apparently I am having a baby tomorrow!!!!!

The ob-gyn's office called a little while ago to reschedule my c-section because my doc has a family emergency and needs to go out of town.

And now to make a list of all the last-minute things we absolutely HAVE to get done today.

I guess this is my equivalent of going into labor a few days early?!?

To cloth, or not to cloth?

2008-06-25T15:38:00.001-07:00

I have so many posts rattling around in my brain, but nary a moment to post.

And I'm running out of time. Yikes.

So, my current dilemma.

With KB, we tried cloth diapering. Or at least, we had the very best intentions.

We started by using a diaper service. It seemed simple enough. The diaper service would bring us stacks of clean cloth diapers. We would use them and toss them into the disposal bag said service provided each week. No rinsing required. Then, the night before our next delivery date, we would set the bag of soiled diapers on the porch and the lovely diaper fairies would replace this with a bag of fresh diapers.

Simple, right?

Except. Except that our parents, each of whom had cloth diapered us, suddenly grew fumble-fingered when trying to use the cloth diapers. Was it the absence of old-fashioned safety pins? Had they become spoiled by the disposables used by the other grandkids?

S also seemed bumfuzzled with the whole cloth diaper thing.

We tried Fuzzi Bunz but S didn't like the way they made KB seem uncomfortable at the waist. "Too bulky," he proclaimed.

So we gave up.

I'd like to try again. S is still adamant that the cloth diapers we've tried thus far are "too bulky" and not the "form-fitting" cloth diapers of his youth. He definitely doesn't want to use the diaper service again, which frankly, sucks. That method of cloth diapering will be much less work for me, as I'll be the one doing the laundry.

Please help. What cloth diapering system do you use? How much work is it on a daily or weekly basis to keep up with the diaper laundry? How do I soak/wash diapers? Do BF poopy diapers need to be swished in the toilet, or soaked, before washing? Is my washing machine going to be yucky and dirty after washing poopy diapers?

Don't laugh. I seriously need all the advice I can get.

And if I do go back to the diaper service, what diaper covers should I get? I pretty much gave everything away and am starting from scratch.

Gulp

2008-06-20T23:16:00.000-07:00

How can my scheduled c-section date be only 10.5 days away?

Seriously.

How did that happen?

It's too darn hot

2008-06-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

Just checked weather.com for this zip code. 72 degrees, feels like 72.

My ass.

I've just been out in the back yard, setting up drying racks for Round One of sun-bleaching some baby clothes that soaked in Biz + Oxi-Clean for almost 24 hours. (Wish me luck on that, btw).

There is no way it's only 72 degrees. Ugh, I dread the afternoon. Especially upstairs.

Had my 36 week appointment yesterday. Because of the spotting, got a surprise cervical check (yowza, was hoping to avoid those this time around!) and a swab to rule out a bacterial/yeast infection. All looks good; cervix is tightly closed and even though there is still blood pooled "in the vault" as the PA said, it's all old, brown blood. Would greatly prefer to have no blood but will take brown over bright red any day.

When I was giving my urine sample at the beginning of the appointment, noticed a lot of stringy solids in the cup afterwards. Sorry if TMI. I'm guessing this may be more of my mucus plug? I really don't know; I don't recall losing mine with KB last time so am not 100% sure I know what I'm looking for.

What else? We took KB to a ceramics-painting place last night, ostensibly so he could create something for S for Father's Day. We went with three other kids (between the ages of almost-3 and almost-4) and their moms, and one other dad for good measure.

Let me just say: four very active, rowdy preschoolers and a shop full of ceramic objects do not mix well. Amazingly, nothing got broken. However, poor S ended up wrangling the kids pretty much the whole time. He was not happy at being the babysitter. I don't blame him.

Luckily, there was a "Kids' Cave" complete with TV & DVD player, so that held the kids' attention for a few minutes here and there.

KB chose a dinosaur to paint for Daddy. Before all the kids lost interest in painting and started running around the shop like crazy, S gave the T-Rex its base coat of taupe (KB's choice). KB later added some jazzy green stripes before losing interest altogether.

I painted a photo frame and hope to use it for the first good picture I get of my boys together. I didn't paint names on it because we still haven't settled on a name for the baby. I still like "Ketan". S has now added "Aidan" to the short list. (Funny aside: folks on the Indian side of the family think the name Aidan sounds sooooooo exotic!!)

Hope the objects turn out well. We'll see tomorrow after they're glazed and fired!

OK, washer has stopped. Time to dry the laundry, and then start on the pee-soaked sheet, blanket and PJs from last night. KB's first accident since he started wearing underwear overnight on Saturday. My fault for letting him drink nearly an entire bottle of water on the way home from painting.

Still spotting

2008-06-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Still brown. Had some brown globby mucus in the toilet earlier today.

Called ob's office; they said not to worry. Easier said than done.

Maybe I will get my wish of spontaneous labor before my scheduled c-section date after all.

Will have my regular 36 week appointment tomorrow morning and we'll see where things stand.

But I did pack my hospital bag and shave my legs today, just in case.

Spotting

2008-06-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

Filed under "Things that make you go hmmmmm"

It was very hot today. The Prius's thermometer read 97 when I was out this afternoon around 3 pm.

When I picked KB up from school, we headed to the pool. For the first time in a long time, I got into the pool with him. It was cool and refreshing and fabulous.

Did not notice anything out of the ordinary until I went to use the bathroom just before doing KB's bedtime routine. Lots of brown spotting on my panty liner. Hmmm. I have not had an internal exam lately. I did have an internal check with a speculum on May 29 because of some fluid leakage, and had some spotting for a couple of days, but that ended a while back and I can't imagine this is related to that cervical irritation.

And no, I have not had sex lately either.

Paging Dr. Google.

I cannot find anything that indicates swimming could be a contributing factor.

Could be nothing, could be the start of losing my mucus plug (?), could be something more ominous. Not going to go there.

Will keep an eye on things overnight and may go in to the ob's office tomorrow.

Of course, if the bleeding turns bright red before morning, I guess I'm going to the hospital. Good thing I turned in my registration paperwork today.

Tis the season

2008-06-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

The birthday party season, that is. We seem to have an overabundance of birthday parties in the summer months. And of course, we are only adding to that by having a July baby, with another on the way, ourselves.

Am I the only parent who tries to schedule parties/events around naptimes? The last 3 parties we've attended have started between 11 and 1 pm. KB generally naps between 12:30 and 2:30 (his daycare nap schedule) or between 1ish and 3ish. We try to stick to his same schedule on days off/weekends but it doesn't always work.

But even the kids from his class tend to have their parties smack dab in the middle of what I consider prime nap time. I don't get it.

Today's party was at noon, at Chuck E. Cheese. KB has been looking forward to it for weeks. He was mostly interested in the tokens and the games, which is good, because food was pretty scarce. I think there were 4-5 medium pizzas for about 35 people. KB ate the sausage and olives off one slice of pizza and didn't touch another bite. He ate the frosting off his cupcake. That's it.

I ate one slice of pepperoni pizza and S ate a slice of something and then finished off KB's denuded slice. By the time we left at 2:30, we were all starving. (Note to self: Burger King is not a good solution, even though it seemed like a good idea at the time)

KB's nap went from about 3 to 5:30, which means he's going to go to bed late tonight. Argh. S has taken him to the park to try to tire him out.

I really am grateful to S for how much time he's spending with KB lately. I am just feeling too poopy to do much of anything.

Speaking of which, the housecleaner will be here at 9 tomorrow morning, so I've got to get the kitchen and bathroom counters cleared off. Or maybe I will put my feet up for now and wait until after KB goes to bed, then try to sweet-talk S into doing most of it.

I seriously do not remember being so tired last time. Some days I wonder if I can even make it 3 more weeks. Ugh.

Pooped

2008-06-07T21:39:00.000-07:00

We ended up not going to Sacramento today. I woke up this morning with some lower back pain, plus I've had a crappy few nights' sleep lately. Takes me forever to fall asleep, then once I *do*, inevitably I wake up with horrible heartburn and have trouble getting back to sleep. Argh.

Anyway, I figured driving 5+ hours round-trip, just to spend a couple of hours at the party itself, wasn't the best idea. So we passed along our regrets via a cousin who was going to the same party. I'll call the birthday girl's mom and hope that she understands. At 35.5 weeks pregnant, I think I deserve a hall pass.

We tried to exhaust KB today to see if he will sleep any better. Nowadays, he usually wakes up 1-2 times a night to pee, and then wakes up anywhere between 3 and 5 in the morning asking to come to bed with one of us. S and I have been sleeping in separate beds for a while, taking turns with the monitor. Makes sense to let one person get a good solid sleep.

KB had "Daddy and me" soccer this morning, and then we went to a local sportsplex to check it out as a possible birthday party venue. The sportsplex was having an open house today and the inflatables area was having open play -- free! Woot. KB had a blast playing in/on the various bouncy houses and slides.

Got home, had a quick lunch, and we all went down for a 2-hour nap. After the nap, S took KB to an indoor play place called Jungle Island so he could expend some more energy. Alone in a quiet house for a couple of hours -- AHHH.

But I couldn't just sit around (or nap) -- I'm still trying to sort through and wash all kinds of kiddie clothes. KB has more clothes than I ever remembered. And I did not do nearly as good a job as I thought I did packing them away. I thought everything was neatly categorized, but I have boxes that are jumbles of 0-3, 3-6 and 6-9 months.

And since KB was the king of spit-up from birth until about 7 months, I have huge stacks of clothes waiting to be pre-treated, washed, and sun-bleached in the hopes that I can get rid of the stains.

I am kicking myself repeatedly for not doing more of this prepwork over the last, oh, 6 months or so. What the hell was I doing with my time? I should have been chipping away at this instead of leaving it for the last few weeks. What a maroon.

S is taking a well-deserved break and took himself to the movies. Ah, a quiet evening. No Formula One on TV. No "Top Gear". No DVR'd crap on for background noise.

Just pure. unadulterated. quiet.

Enjoy the silence.

Annoyed ramblings

2008-06-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

It is next-to-effing impossible for me to catch up on my blog reading while the incredibly irritating whine of Formula One cars blares from the TV.

Gah.

I should just go to bed.

We'll be gone to Sacramento all day tomorrow (extended family birthday party) and then there's another kiddie birthday party (locally) on Sunday. So naps and bedtimes will AGAIN be disrupted over the weekend.

This week has sucked in terms of getting KB to bed at a decent time. Very much our fault for having too many evening activities. It's hard to get him to bed by 8 or 8:30 when it's still light outside.

I'm tired of having things to do every day/every night/every weekend. Is it really such a big deal to ask for ONE DAY of absolutely nothing to do, no commitments?

KB is really frustrating me lately. He is pushing buttons like crazy, testing limits, refusing to do whatever we ask him to do. Today at naptime I yelled at him when he refused to get in his bed. I had to leave the room for a few minutes to try to compose myself. There were more than a few tears shed even before that point. I'm just tired of feeling like he fights me on EVERYTHING.

To-do list

2008-06-05T14:17:00.000-07:00

What I have done:

- washed Pack n Play & co-sleeper sheets
- washed receiving blankets
- washed towels & washcloths
- washed burp cloths
- washed enough 0-3 month clothes for the first couple of weeks
- picked up a package of newborn diapers
- picked up bottle of fenugreek

What I have not done yet:

- killed S for giving away $2800 that we don't have
- registered for the hospital
- washed/cleaned the Pack n Play or the co-sleeper
- called the diaper service
- dug out the baby toys for cleaning
- washed/sterilized breast pump parts
- cleared out the office that will (someday) become the nursery
- moved KB's baby furniture out of his room
- primed & painted KB's room
- moved KB's big boy furniture from garage to his room
- packed my hospital bag just in case
- figured out when/if to have a bangle ceremony
- figured out what to do for/when to have KB's birthday party

What I am in the process of doing:

- sorting through KB's old clothes to see what can be used in the near future
- plodding through load after load of laundry
- getting KB's old clothes organized and packed away neatly
- trying to figure out how to get out old spit-up stains
- trying to remember what in the hell I packed for my hospital bag 3 years ago
- desperately wishing I could clone myself (minus the tired pregnant part) about 3 times over

What am I forgetting?

Pissed

2008-06-02T16:55:00.001-07:00

I just found out that S sent his parents $2800 for their plane tickets to visit us after the new baby arrives. Without telling me.

I saw the debit in our joint checking account and asked him what it was for. Then I asked him why he did it without discussing it with me first.

His answer? "I did bring it up when they were first looking at tickets, but I could sense resistance on your part."

So he did it behind my back because I was "resistant". Yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

OMG, am I pissed. Will elaborate further when (if) I cool down.

Overheard the last two days...

2008-05-31T22:00:00.000-07:00

- Daddy, don't get in my nerves!

- I'm gonna swing by Daddy's office for a candy snack.

- Daddy, go somewhere else. Mommy doesn't like your stinky poots.

34 weeks

2008-05-28T14:01:00.001-07:00

Crazy. Unbelievable.

I'm amazed that I'm already at 34 weeks. After the first trimester, with all its attendant fear and panic that Things Would Not Go Well, this pregnancy has gone by much too fast.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ready and my honest answer is, no. In no way am I ready.

This morning KB and S came to wake me up and the three of us snuggled together in bed for a while. It was joyous and wonderful and sad, all at the same time. I couldn't stop kissing KB's cheek and stroking his soft hair.

I am already mourning the loss of our "three-ness". I am worried how KB is going to react to having a little brother who receives the lion's share of our attention for a while.

I have so much to say but I really need to finish up some work. Tomorrow is my last day before I put myself on maternity leave (as a contractor, I don't get any paid maternity leave, but I am giving myself a full 4 weeks to stay home before the scheduled delivery date).

For several days now, I've been mulling over a post I really want & need to write about my mother and her attitude towards this pregnancy. I suspect that entry will come sometime next week when I am at home alone with my thoughts.

Under 5 weeks to go. I'm not in panic mode...yet. I'm sure I'll get there soon.

A rhetorical question...

2008-05-27T13:20:00.000-07:00

If I am this tired now, how am I going to survive when I have both an active preschooler and a newborn?

It's official: July 1st at 11:30 am

2008-05-22T16:34:00.001-07:00

Ticker to come...

Names, redux

2008-05-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Oooh, Karen at The Naked Ovary is having naming issues too.

One of her commenters suggested this retort for people who poo-poo the parents' choice of name for baby:

You got to name your children, I get to name mine.

I love it. I think I'll try it next time someone gives us grief about baby names.

My mother on breastfeeding

2008-05-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Mom: Are you going to try nursing again this time?

Me: Yes, I'd really like to give it my best shot.

Mom: But this time, I'm guessing you're going to be a lot more willing to supplement right away if things don't work out?

Me: Well, I'd really like breastfeeding to work this time. I'll work with the lactation consultant at the hospital from the beginning, and if she can't help me, I'll find another one.

Mom: But last time, you were feeding KB every 2 hours, and you were trying for 45 minutes at a time, and he still wasn't gaining weight, and you weren't sleeping, and you were so tired and so frustrated. It was just awful.

**************************************

This is the second time my mother has instigated the "But you're going to just give formula if breastfeeding doesn't work immediately, right?" conversation.

Do I really need to tell you that my mother did not give any of us 3 kids a single drop of breast milk?

I am starting to regret my decision to have my mom here for the first 3 weeks. I need support, not someone telling me at every turn to give up and just give formula because "it's easier".

What's in a name?

2008-05-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

We are still trying to decide on a name for the baby. With KB, our choice was very easy. Honestly, we had chosen his name a couple of weeks after we got married, way back in 1999, and we never wavered from that choice. It was the perfect name for him.

We chose his name because we wanted something that would reflect both of our heritages, Indian and Irish (I am 1/4 Irish from my mom's side, 1/4 Lithuanian from my mom's side, and a mixture of English, Irish, German, Scottish, and possibly Welsh on my dad's side).

Shortly before we married, we watched an excellent movie called "This is My Father". We loved the name shared by the father & son main characters. As it turned out, the name (minus one letter) was also an Indian name. We loved (and still love) the name.

With baby #2, however, we have not had a name jump out at us. We again played around with the Irish/Indian names, and came up with this short list:

Sean/Shaan
Rowan/Rohan
Devon/Devan
Thomas/Tamas
Colin/Kalan
Neil/Neal/Neel

But seemingly, we find a strike against each of the Indian names. Some have a negative connotation (Shaan, for example, means "pride" and Tamas means "darkness"). Kalan is apparently the Indian equivalent of a "country bumpkin" name. S doesn't like Devan for whatever reason. And personally, I think Neel and Rohan are way too common.

I've gone through lists of Indian baby names multiple times, and I've decided I like the name

Ketan

It rhymes with "Nathan", though the "th" sound is much softer, barely there, in Ketan.

S likes it as well. KB loves it, and has been referring to the baby by that name since we started kicking it around a couple of months ago.

But no one else in either of our families seems to care for it. Everyone keeps asking us if we've settled on a name yet, despite our telling them that Ketan is the current front-runner.

A big drawback to the name Ketan is that it's probably going to be mis-pronounced as "Keaton" or "Kay-TAHN" by non-Indians.

After Ketan, Sean is the #2 name on our list.

I would like Thomas as the middle name, because it means "twin", and in my own small way, I want to remember and to honor the fact that this baby started his journey with a twin sibling.

So, opinions please. I've set up a poll, but feel free to add comments. And if you can think of an Irish/Indian name pair that we haven't thought of, please feel free to tell me.

We have a date

2008-05-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

At my last appointment (3 weeks ago, at 28 weeks), I told my physician's assistant that I had a date in mind for my scheduled c-section. She said that the woman who handles the surgery schedule only works Tuesdays and Thursdays, so she'd make a note in my chart and the scheduler would call me the next day.

The scheduler did indeed call, and proceeded to tell me that the date I had chosen would not work because my ob-gyn was going to be on vacation all that week. Keep in mind that my ob-gyn has been telling me since Day 1 that she would schedule my c-section for approximately one week before my due date.

The scheduler continued, "How about July 7th?" I told her that's the one date I'd like to avoid, seeing as it's KB's birthday and all. She replied that I needed to talk to my ob-gyn to figure out logistics, so she changed my 31 week appointment to be with Dr. G instead of with my fave physician's assistant.

I figured my choices were (a) schedule the c-section for the date I wanted, to be performed by the other ob-gyn in the practice, or (b) wait for my ob-gyn to get back from vacation.

Had my 31 week appointment this morning and talked with Dr. G about scheduling. She doesn't want to take a chance on my going into labor on my own, so she wants to do the c-section earlier rather than later. She said her vacation plans are still not set in stone, so she will most likely work the Monday and/or Tuesday of July 4th week.

This means my c-section is tentatively scheduled for July 1st (the date we wanted originally). If by chance Dr. G decides to go on vacation then, she will push the date back to June 30.

Oy. I am soooooo not ready. And by that I mean mentally, physically, emotionally.

The only thing I have accomplished thus far is to wash one load of baby clothes. That's it.

Sheets, towels, washcloths: unwashed.

Nursery? Still has two desks, two bookshelves, filing crates, and lots of miscellaneous papers (not to mention all my craft supplies in the closet).

KB's big boy room? Needs all the furniture moved out, needs to be primed & painted, needs to have his big boy furniture brought in from the garage and assembled. Oh, and a mattress for his new bed would be nice.

I am just under 8 weeks until the big day and I have no idea how I'm going to get anything done. No energy, no motivation.

I keep telling myself it's OK if I just get the co-sleeper, Pack n Play, and changing table set up by the time the baby comes. But S is getting really twitchy about wanting the office to be converted to the nursery.

The sleep, it sucketh

2008-04-17T09:21:00.001-07:00

If, during my child-free days, you had told me that I would once have a child who refused to sleep, I would have scoffed. With my genes? My kid would LOVE to sleep -- are you kidding?

If, during KB's early months, you had told me that he would still not be sleeping through the night at almost 3 years old, I would have laughed nervously and prayed that you were wrong.

If, now, you were to tell me that I will not have a good night's sleep again for the next 20 years or so, I will give a resigned sigh and sadly agree with you.

KB has always, always been on the low end of the 'recommended' sleep times for newborns, infants, toddlers, and now preschoolers. And honestly, it does not seem to bother him. Occasionally he seems a little cranky, and I can chalk that up to his lack of sleep the night before. But for the most part, he survives, and thrives, on less sleep than what the sleep experts say he needs.

Certainly, he gets by on less sleep than *I* think he needs...or that I need, for that matter.

Probably the most frustrating thing about KB's sleep is how inconsistent it is from night to night.

There are nights he sleeps for 10 hours with nary a peep.

There are nights he almost sleeps through, but squidges here and there and puts himself back to sleep with no intervention on our parts.

There are nights he wakes up 5 times in an hour, asking for a drink of water, or covers, or to pee pee in the potty. Or all of the above.

Then there are the nights, like last night, that he cries and cries to come to our bed. And at this point, we are so beaten down, so exhausted, that we give in. And then, like last night, we all get an extremely crappy night's sleep.

Sometimes KB sleeps very restfully with us. Most times, not. Last night he thrashed about and kept waking up, rousing us in the process. At 5:30, he wanted to pee in the potty, then he wanted to go back to his own bed. For the next hour, he talked to himself in his bed. At 6:30, he decided he was ready to come back to our bed. But of course, he was done with sleeping by then.

At this point, I don't know what to do. Just suck it up, I guess. I don't see how sleep training or sleep coaching would work at this point. We need somebody who isn't running on empty to help us; we are too exhausted to follow through and to be consistent with any sleep training method. I need a Sleep Training Super-Nanny.

Many, many friends told me that I would get used to the fragmented sleep. I never have. It's been almost 3 years and I still can't get used to it.

S had been letting me sleep in many mornings, but the crappy sleep is starting to get to him too. This morning he mumbled that he feels like he needs to take a day off work just to catch up on sleep. I don't blame him. I feel the same way.

Please, just let #2 sleep. I honestly can't handle another bad sleeper.

28 weeks!

2008-04-17T09:11:00.000-07:00

Had my 28 week appointment yesterday. Yowza. 3rd trimester already?!

Glucose Tolerance Test: passed with flying colors. Said the nurse as she looked at my chart, "I've never seen a number this low!" Prompting me, of course, to freak out that it was TOO low. The physician's assistant reassured me that it just meant my body was very efficient. (Yeah, right!!)

Rho-Gam shot: administered.

C-section date: requested. The woman who handles the scheduling only works on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so she's supposed to call me today to tell me whether we are on for July 1st or if we need to choose another date.

I think the only test left is the Group B strep -- but that's many weeks away.

Next appointment is in 3 weeks. This pregnancy is truly flying by.

S made a comment this morning about a girl's name that would be easy to pronounce for us non-Indian folk. I asked him if this meant he was thinking about going for #3. No, he replied, to suggest to [his cousin] in case she has a girl this time.

So I'm pretty sure he wants to 'close the factory' after #2 is born. I am not going to ask Dr. G to tie my tubes after my c-section though. Just seems too...final.

My big boy

2008-04-08T15:12:00.001-07:00

I've been home from SLC since March 31. It was a very quick (but VERY enjoyable) trip, and I wish I could have stayed longer. Well, I wish I had made an annual pilgrimage to the Family History Library in SLC before I had kids. Who knows when I'll get to go again...

KB was very cute when he & S picked me up from the airport. He gave me a huge, lingering hug and kept patting my shoulder telling me, "Thank you for coming back from Salt Lake City, Mommy! I'm so happy!"

The next morning, he woke up, put his hands on my face and told me again, "Thank you so much for coming back, Mommy!" I got a huge lump in my throat as I told him, "I'll ALWAYS come back, baby."

Somehow, potty training really clicked while I was away. Even before I left, KB had been really good about keeping his pull-ups dry throughout the day and had begun to accidentally poop in the potty sometimes when he was peeing.

While I was gone, though, he seemed to really get it. He actually started telling S when he needed to pee and poop in the potty.

The morning of April 2, as we were getting him ready for school, he announced, "I want to wear underwear." So we grabbed a pair of his dinosaur undies and let him wear them to school. We reminded him that he had to tell the teachers EVERY SINGLE TIME he needed to pee or to poop.

And he's done great so far! He's had one pee accident, when he got distracted by story time and forgot to tell someone he needed to go. And he's had one poop accident, when he didn't quite make it to the potty in time. But that's it!

He's even started staying drier at night. He told us this morning that he wants to wear underwear at night too, instead of diapers. We told him that if he keeps waking up dry in the mornings, we'll make the switch.

We've also transitioned his crib to the toddler bed. We initially took off the front of the crib and left it open, in "day bed" mode. But KB was feeling really insecure like that, and afraid he would fall off the bed. Interestingly, the big fear he expressed the first night was that monsters would be able to get him now that the side was gone from the crib.

The bed transition hasn't gone nearly as well as the potty training, I'm afraid. We went ahead and got a guard rail because KB was insistent that he needed "a side" on his bed.

We have two big issues now: 1) He doesn't want to stay in bed when we put him down for naptime or bedtime and 2) His nightwakings have gotten even worse than they were before. The night before last (my turn to be 'on'), he was up 5 times between 3:30 and 4:30. Oy.

Last night was S's turn to do night duty. He just brought KB into our bed at 4:30, and we all slept until 7:40. Glorious.

But it pisses me off that S is the one who wants KB to sleep in his crib all night, AND YET, he is the one who ends up taking the lazy route and bringing him into our bed.

Anyway. We probably should not have made the transition to a bed at the same time we made the transition to underwear. A little too much change all at once for KB's comfort level, I think.

Mostly, I just can't believe my baby is not a baby anymore. He's getting to be a big boy.

Leaving on a jet plane

2008-03-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

Know exactly when I'll be back again, though.

I'm sitting at gate A-2 in the international terminal at SFO. My flight to Salt Lake City was supposed to have left an hour ago. Instead, the arriving flight just got here and the passengers are departing.

This trip is a little "last hurrah" for myself. I'm going to the Mecca for genealogists to gorge myself on microfilm and microfiche. I know, it's not everyone's cup of tea, but for me, this is very, very exciting.

Daddy and KB will have a Boys' Weekend. My stomach is doing flips. Not sure if that is 100% nerves, 100% the dim sum S and I ate for lunch, or some combination of both.

I haven't left KB since August 2006. He was 13 months old at the time. I went to Boston for a national genealogy conference. I had mixed feelings about that trip too.

This morning, we dropped KB off at daycare together. I've mentioned over the last week that Mommy is going away for a few days and Daddy and KB are going to have a ton of fun together. Every time I've said it, KB tells me "You need to stay with us." When we dropped him off, I didn't want to make a huge deal about the fact that I wouldn't see him for a few days. But on the other hand, I wanted to smother him with hugs and kisses because I am going to miss him like mad.

I'm curious what his reaction will be when he and S get home tonight and I'm not there. When I am not there to help with the bedtime routine. When I am not there in the morning.

Leaving him behind is so hard. While I know it's OK for me to have my own hobbies and interests, and to have a little "me" time, there is a huge part of me that thinks I should be there for him all the time.

It isn't guilt I feel exactly. Or maybe it is, partly. Fear? Fear that S is going to be better/more patient with the single parent thing than I am? Fear that he won't?

Or fear that KB isn't going to miss me at all.

I'm pretty sure that is a big part of it.

And while I know that I am going to have a lot of fun geeking out this weekend, I also remember from last time that this is the hardest part -- the actual leaving.

Being at the airport reminds me of KB. The changing tables in the restroom where I have changed many a diaper between flights. The escalators he loves to ride on. Going through security, which is amazingly easy when you're flying solo.

I just need to give myself permission to go and to have a good time.

How long after I land do you think I'll call home?

25 weeks!

2008-03-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

How have I already made it to 25 weeks? This pregnancy really is flying by, which makes me sad.

Now that we know we're having another boy, people are already starting to ask if we're going to try once more for a girl. Oy! Let me have this one and see how crazy my life gets first. But I don't think I'll ever be able to talk S into it.

Had my 25 week appointment this morning. First time this pregnancy with the tape measure on the belly. Pronounced "perfect". Heartbeat great, blood pressure awesome, weight was not mentioned but I know I gained 3-4 pounds since my appointment at 21 weeks. Total weight gain is right around 16 or 17 pounds, so I think I'm doing OK.

Got my sugary glucose drink for my GTT, and need to do that sometime next week.

Will get my RhoGam shot at my 28 week appointment.

Funny aside: there is a new gal in the receptionist area, and she was the one scheduling my next appointment. She asked what the appointment was for and I replied "My regular pre-natal appointment, plus a RhoGam shot." She started typing and said, "OK, so you're getting your Rogaine shot..."

I really wanted to laugh. I'm guessing she hasn't worked in many (any?) ob-gyn's offices before.

At my next appointment, we'll also talk about c-section dates. Interestingly, my c-section will still be considered "elective" even though Dr. G told me that there is no chance I will be allowed to try for a VBAC. Given the "elective" nature of the surgery, it is possible that our c-section will get bumped in favor of another labor and delivery.

Did I already mention that we're going to ask for July 1st as the delivery date? If we get bumped, then I guess we'll just try the next day, or the next. I am sure Dr. G will not schedule anything for July 4th, and I really want to be home by KB's birthday on July 7th.

We've signed KB up for a sibling class at the hospital where we're delivering. They have the sibling class once a month, so we opted for the June 28th class. I'm excited about the class. I don't think he'll fully understand what's about to hit the fan until the baby actually gets home, but I think the class will be good for us to do together.

More later. At work and feeling paranoid that someone's going to appear at my cube any moment...

Tales from the back seat

2008-03-25T10:46:00.000-07:00

Driving home yesterday...

Me: [Big yawn] Ugh, I'm so sleepy!
KB: [Yawn] Mmm, I'm sleepy too!
Me: I think you and Mommy should both go to bed early tonight.
KB: [flailing arms/legs, screaming] NO! NO! NO, Mommy!! Stop upsetting me!!
Me: What's upsetting you, baby?
KB: The going to bed part!

Things I want/need to blog about

2008-03-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

In no particular order...

- The two pregnancy announcements (extended family) over the weekend
- Easter weekend, egg hunts and going without naps
- Being sick AGAIN
- How much I suck for not doing an Easter basket for KB this year (yet!)
- The crazy amount of house stuff I need to do before July
- How much I loathe our taxes
- The cute things KB says (note to self: big big, share vs. fight, ready to come out?)
- KB doing pee pee "like a tiger"
- Poop in the potty -- not intentional, but I'll take it!
- Baby gifts
- My upcoming getaway for JUST ME

I'm sure there is lots more. This is a start. Need to just post in bits and pieces during the day.

At work I feel guilty posting instead of working. At home I either don't have time or have S hovering nearby and don't want to take the chance. (He still doesn't know about this blog)

Hang loose

2008-03-11T11:21:00.001-07:00

KB got the hang of the hand gesture "Shaka" over the course of the week. He practiced a lot. :-) By the end of the trip, he was entertaining everyone by telling them "Shaka -- hang loose!"

Aloha

2008-03-11T10:46:00.000-07:00

Didn't mean to post our gender news and run. We slipped off to Hawaii for a week the day after our ultrasound.

This was a trip we had originally planned for December, 2007, but we postponed it when our 6-week ultrasound showed twins.

So, we spent a week in Kauai, as opposed to Maui as originally planned. But it was a FANTASTIC vacation. Relaxing and exhausting all at once. It was our first (and probably last) week-long vacation with just the three of us; previous big vacations have involved either going to visit family or traveling with one of our families.

Have lots more to say about the trip, plus tons of pictures, but will do that another time. KB is having a very difficult time re-adjusting to sleeping on his own and the last two nights have been horrible for all of us. I need a nap.

It's a...

2008-02-29T20:43:00.000-08:00

BOY!

Even though I said I didn't have a strong prediction about the gender, my gut feeling was boy.

Surprisingly, I am not terribly disappointed that I will never have a daughter. Maybe some day, I will grieve the loss of that dream. Or maybe S will surprise me someday and agree to adopt a little girl. (We had talked about this possibility long ago, but he claims not to remember discussing it.)

KB gets a baby brother. I think this is what he wanted all along, even though he kept saying he wanted a brother and a sister.

We have to buy almost nothing, since I've hung onto all of KB's clothes and toys.

The only thing we don't have is a name. And there's plenty of time to agree on that.

Another boy. Another very active little boy. Gulp.

The big ultrasound is today

2008-02-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged about the big ultrasound coming up today. I'm still feeling strangely detached from this pregnancy. Much of the time, I honestly do not even remember that I am pregnant.

The baby kicks quite a bit at night, so when I am going to sleep, I remember, and I smile, and I enjoy the feelings.

But during the day, I am generally so occupied by work, chores, and KB, that I don't think about it.

I feel bad that this baby is already getting the short end of the stick.

Anyway, any guesses about gender? I don't have strong feelings one way or the other. I have had only one baby dream during this pregnancy, and that was very early on (when we still thought we were having twins, although strangely, there was only one baby in my dream).

My heart used to be set on having one boy and one girl. Now, I am not so sure. I would be sad to never have a daughter. But having two boys who grow up to be buddies would be fantastic.

Will update as soon as I can after our 3:00 appointment. Will probably take KB to The Jungle and then out to eat afterwards, so update will be later in the evening, unless I can do something quickly from my phone.

Crappy mom, redux

2008-02-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

Just yesterday, I got up and thought, Yes, my son gets up at 6 a.m., but how can I resist him as we're lying in bed, when he puts a hand on each of my cheeks and says "I love you, Mommy?"

Somehow, 5:20 a.m. felt a lot earlier this morning. KB woke up and started crying, then caught himself and started calling "Mommy! Mommy!" (I have been trying to convince him that calling me is nicer than crying, and I will still hear him over the monitor.)

I went into his room, picked him up from the crib, and told him through clenched teeth, "It's the middle of the NIGHT." Brought him into my bed and told him to close his eyes and sleep for a while longer.

No dice. He was having none of it. Unfortunately, by 6 a.m., it is obviously light outside. He sat up in bed and cheerfully announced, "I ready to get up now!"

Holy shit. I...lost it. I got out of bed and started yelling at him. For waking up early.

He burst into tears at my yelling and I instantly felt like the shittiest mom in the world. I hugged him and said "I'm sorry" over and over.

And then it made me feel even shittier when he replied, in his little voice, "I'm sorry for waking up early, Mommy."

Could I be a shittier parent?

So lonely (with a side of guilt)

2008-02-25T10:23:00.001-08:00

I know, saying I'm lonely is a strange thing to admit when I just finished expressing relief at not having to host people for the weekend.

To me, though, there is a big difference between wanting to be with peers who understand what I'm going through and having to host people who have no clue.

Quite honestly, this is the worst I have ever felt during one of S's business trips. The couple that he made before KB was born were AWESOME. I could do whatever I wanted; watch TV or not; read without being disturbed, go to bed whenever I wanted, etc.

Now, of course, KB comes first and taking care of him is my top (sometimes only) priority. It is lonely and exhausting being 100% responsible for another creature, especially one with the whims and fickle nature of a 2.5 year old.

I have been feeling very guilty since S left -- guilty for being sick, guilty for not making more of an effort to take KB out (despite being sick and despite the never-ending rain), guilty for letting KB watch too many Pixar movies, guilty for not coming up with enriching activities for him on a daily basis.

This morning, when I dropped him off at day care (after we spent the last 3 days together), I felt guilty again.

I always thought I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. And for a while, I did. KB stayed home with me for 7.5 months. But then I felt guilty about not going back to work after maternity leave, so I went back for a few months. Then I quit that job for good, stayed home with KB for several more months, and eventually took a part-time contracting gig because it turned out we needed the extra income.

But I feel like the crappiest mother. I feel like I'm choosing to work over choosing to stay home with KB. And the worst part is, I don't even particularly love my job. It isn't something I look forward to when I wake up in the morning. But unless we move someplace with a more reasonable cost of living, I think we need whatever money I bring in.

Ugh. I'm rambling and not making sense. I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty about just about every aspect of my life. I don't know how to turn off that part of my brain.

The great escape

2008-02-25T07:40:00.001-08:00

Ah, somehow I managed to get through the ENTIRE weekend without any "help", company or houseguests!! And my stress level is back to normal -- whatever 'normal' is when I'm a pregnant, sick, single parent to a very active preschooler.

Saturday after I posted my rant, I sent V a text message and said that KB and I were still getting over being sick, and maybe we could try getting together on Sunday. She called me back when she got up (almost 9 am -- oh, the decadence!!) and said that S had been quite insistent that she come over and "take care of us." I scoffed and said that if S had really been worried about us, he wouldn't have left us when we were sick.

I don't think she really wanted to come down, because she didn't protest very convincingly when I said we were fine and would be OK on our own.

I told her I'd try to call that night or Sunday morning and we'd see how things were. She said they'd be happy to come down and bring us some soup or something.

Saturday night, I just went to bed after I put KB to bed. I really cannot seem to sleep/rest enough to kick this cold.

Sunday morning, we got up and both of us were pretty stir crazy after spending so much time at home. So I got us both ready and we went down the street to the light rail station. KB loves riding the train. We went to the Children's Discovery Museum and spent a good couple of hours there.

The place was a madhouse. Way too many people. Note to self: take KB during the week instead. But at least he got to run around a lot. He didn't spend much time on any one activity, but he seemed to have a good time.

We got home around 2 and I got him to sleep around 2:30. I, on the other hand, was completely wired and couldn't sleep.

Noticed that I had a missed call and a voice mail from V around 1:15. I still haven't checked the voice mail.

I know, it's completely bitchy and passive-aggressive of me. But I just was not in any kind of mood to have houseguests this weekend. Cooking for them, cleaning up after them, making sure the coffeepot was ready to go (it never gets used unless we have guests sleeping over), washing sheets and towels, trying to keep them entertained when KB was sleeping (when I really needed & wanted to sleep myself), etc. Not my idea of a "helpful" weekend.

Major dread

2008-02-23T07:20:00.001-08:00

KB and I are about halfway through our time without S. So far, it is going pretty well, despite the fact that I still feel like death warmed over. It has been raining a lot, so I haven't felt compelled to try to get KB outside. We've been spending a lot of time indoors, playing, watching movies, and just hanging out.

When S was planning this trip, he had the bright idea of asking his cousin V to stay with KB and me during the full weekend he was gone. This sounded like an ok idea to me for about 2 seconds, until I really started thinking about what it would mean. Then I told him to not even bother asking her, because KB and I would be fine.

Too late. Not only had he already mentioned the plan to her, she had enthusiastically agreed. This was weeks ago, so I was hoping she had already forgotten about it.

Fast forward to just before S's trip. I casually mentioned, "If V hasn't said anything about staying with us for the weekend, don't remind her." Too late again. She had called about something else and she herself had remembered. Ugh.

Now, on the surface, this seems like a nice gesture, right? Someone to come over and "help" me take care of my child -- someone to give me a break from the unrelenting demands of my 2.5 year old? And perhaps I seem like an ungrateful bitch for not wanting it.

The problem is, I don't think it is going to be much "help" to me. What I struggle with the most during these solo parenting gigs are KB's night wakings and early-morning risings. No one who stays with us is going to help with those aspects.

If V were to come by herself for the weekend, that would be one thing. But she insists on bringing her live-in boyfriend, whom I've met a handful of times and whom I don't really care for in the slightest. He will be of absolutely no help with KB. He will sit on the couch and watch TV or flip through magazines the entire time.

The fact that both of them will come makes the weekend, from my perspective, much less about "help" and more about hosting houseguests. And that just adds more work, and more stress, to my plate.

The house is a wreck, the sink is full of dishes, and there are a minimum of groceries in the house. And I just don't feel like cleaning up frantically to host guests for the weekend.

V called last night at 9:00 to say they were planning to come down this morning. I was already in bed and didn't get the message until KB and I got up today. I seriously have knots in my stomach just dreading their arrival.

I desperately want to tell her not to come, but my god, the absolute shitstorm that would cause throughout the family. This particular branch of the family is so very sensitive to any perceived slight. I have in turn pissed off this cousin, her brother, and both her parents in the last few years, just by being honest about my feelings.

Ugh, I just want to spend the weekend with KB, continuing our low-key routine. I don't want to add houseguests to the mix.

Maybe they will surprise me. Maybe having them here will actually feel like help.

But I'm not holding my breath. I just have to suck it up and put on my fake smile for the weekend, all for the sake of family harmony.

Wish me luck.

Halfway point

2008-02-20T15:33:00.001-08:00

I am 20 weeks today.

It's a bittersweet milestone because I know that, in all likelihood, this is the last time I'll be halfway through a pregnancy.

Barring some huge change of heart on S's part, our family will be complete after #2 arrives.

I have more to say, but I'm too tired to come up with the words right now.

I will say that I wish I could enjoy this pregnancy more. A huge part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I hope this changes once we have our big ultrasound next Friday.

Have been feeling the baby kick since Feb. 12. Makes me smile every time. Don't know why these kicks don't reassure me more. Am I really doomed to be an eternal pessimist?

Yawn

2008-02-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

Running on about 4 hours of sleep.

KB was up every hour between 11:30 and 2:30. The first few times, he just needed to be covered with his blanket and patted back to sleep. I finally fell asleep for the first time after his 1:30 waking.

At 2:30, he woke up crying "Daddy! Daddy!" When I went into his room, he was standing up in his crib. Brought him into bed with me and we both slept soundly until he woke up for the morning at 6:40.

So painful.

The crappy sleep with no ability to recover is, for me, the absolute worst part of these "single parent" weeks. My patience is woefully thin when I've had so little sleep.

5 years

2008-02-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

5 years ago today, I had my first miscarriage. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I had to really stop and think -- yes, 2003, 5 years ago.

The last couple of years, the anniversary has passed unnoticed. For some reason, yesterday it struck me that it was just after President's Day weekend that I miscarried.

While I'll always remember the joyful innocence of that pregnancy (how naive we were, telling our parents and siblings pretty much the minute we saw a positive pregnancy test!), as time passes, I do not mourn the loss as I used to.

If that pregnancy had been successful, my due date would have been around October 1, 2003. KB was conceived in October, 2004. KB would not be here if not for that first loss (or the second, for that matter).

I know it is trite to say it, but I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot remember day-to-day life before he was here.

So, I remember our first pregnancy with some sadness, but honestly, it is tempered by the overwhelming joy of having KB in our lives.

Ugh

2008-02-18T19:14:00.001-08:00

And now there's diarrhea.

KB, not me. Yet.

Oy.

When it rains, it pours

2008-02-18T17:03:00.000-08:00

We returned from a week in Arkansas last Saturday (9th?). KB had a blast playing with his cousins all week. He is especially enamored of my younger nephew, BK, who is 6.

Got a phone call from my mom on Monday saying she was returning from the pediatrician's office. Both boys were diagnosed with the flu. Great.

Took KB to the pediatrician on Tuesday for a "JIC" consult. I didn't get any of us the flu shot this year. I highly doubt that getting the shot on Tuesday would have helped given the recent exposure. Moot point anyway as KB had a fever of 100.5 when we were in the office.

Early Wednesday, 1:15ish, KB woke up burning with fever. 102.8. S stayed home with him while I went to work.

Thursday we switched. Friday S stayed home with us because I had started getting sick too.

I really don't know what KB has -- mostly his symptoms are fever, runny nose, croupy cough (which has improved greatly since Wednesday) and some vomiting. His appetite is pretty non-existent. One of the few things he is enthusiastic about is popsicles. He would be happy to eat them for breakfast, lunch and dinner if I would let him.

S was supposed to leave for Manila on Saturday night, but I asked him to consider postponing his trip since both KB and I were sick. He postponed it until today; we dropped him off at SFO a little before 10 this morning. He will be back next Thursday.

I am highly annoyed. I had told him after the last trip that I wanted it to be the last one. These trips are very much under his control. Except for the very first one he made, back in October, 2004, I don't believe anyone has asked him to go back. He always volunteers.

He has left us when I was sick before -- one time I especially remember was KB's first Thanksgiving in 2005. We were at my parents' house in Arkansas and S left directly from there to go to Manila. I guess he figured since I was with my folks, they could help out with KB while I was sick. And they did; my dad was awesome about keeping KB in the mornings so I could get some much-needed rest.

But now, here, we are on our own. My strategy is to sleep as much as possible (i.e. , whenever KB sleeps) and do my best to muddle through.

Oh, and one more item to add to the mix: my dad was admitted to the ICU back home on Saturday morning. He's been having chest pains and a lot of general malaise lately, so Mom finally forced him to see a doctor last week. He was diagnosed with pneumonia as well as some heart weirdness (his heart rate was 167 bpm at the doctor's office!!)

On Saturday, after 3 days of antibiotics, Dad was still feeling pretty rotten, so Mom took him to the ER. After an EKG, he was immediately admitted to the ICU for IV antibiotics. He has some inflammation and fluid around his heart. The doctors are still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.

Dad's not eating and he's throwing up quite a bit (probably from all his meds on an empty stomach) and according to my mom, he is a very crotchety patient.

Still waiting to hear today's update from my mom.

Needless to say, the stress level around here is pretty high.

An awesome potty day!

2008-01-23T09:38:00.001-08:00

KB and I were at home yesterday so I decided to really work on the potty training.

And what do you know? He did GREAT! Went about 1.5 hours in the morning (after his first diaper change of the day). After that I tried to take him to the bathroom every 45 minutes to an hour. He stayed dry until after lunch! Then he pooped in his pull-up, so we started over.

He stayed dry through his 1.75 hour nap! WHOA!! That is unheard of for him. And he stayed dry for the rest of the afternoon. One time, he had just gone to the bathroom upstairs, and 10 minutes later he told me he needed to go again. And he did!!

Of course, we had swimming lessons last night and after that, he was a super soaker. But I am SO PROUD of him for staying dry so much yesterday! And I know he's super proud of himself too.

Now if he can just keep up the momentum at day care today. We're trying to get him to feel comfortable telling the teachers he needs to go potty. They take the kids every couple of hours, but I think he needs to go more frequently while he's so early in the learning process.

We'll be home together Friday, and then it's the weekend, so I'm hoping we can have 3 good days in a row with staying dry and peeing in the potty.

Go, KB!

So effin' tired

2008-01-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

I feel like I'm back in the newborn days -- the days when I had to choose "shower or sleep?" when KB went down for a nap.

These days, I choose sleep every time.

Very sad when I get up in the mornings and count the hours until KB's naptime.

Speaking of which, he should be winding down right about now. Too bad he is still running around the family room like a madman.

Random bits

2008-01-21T16:30:00.000-08:00

Seems like I never find time to post.

The pregnancy exhaustion is abating (finally) -- only to be replaced by sheer and utter exhaustion because of KB's crappy sleeping at night! In the last few weeks, S and I have resorted to sleeping in separate bedrooms so that one person gets a good night's sleep while the other person keeps the baby monitor. KB is waking up several times a night, sometimes crying, sometimes whimpering, and sometimes outright screaming. I have no idea what is wrong.

The fragmented sleep is really getting to me, but KB seems none the worse for the wear.

In random news...

- At swimming lessons last week, the teacher had the kids in KB's class learning to dive off the side of the pool! The kids would stand with their toes curled over the edge, bend over at the waist, and then 'dive' in. KB's dives were more like belly flops, but he was SO thrilled and pleased with himself.

- At swimming lessons week before last, KB held his breath for 10, 12, and 10 seconds as the kids practiced swimming from teacher to parent. I miss being in the water with him, but it is so awesome to just sit and watch how wonderfully he is doing.

- Potty training continues. Yesterday was a great day! KB was dry 4 times when we went to the potty. We removed the splash guard from our training seats, because KB's school doesn't have them and he kept peeing on his pants every time he used the toilet at school. So we're trying to teach him to hold his penis down and pee straight down into the toilet. He's catching on.

- KB's musical education continues as well. The kid loves music of all kinds. We were stunned yesterday when he randomly started singing

Silver bells
Silver bells
It's Christmas time in the city

Presumably he picked this up from S playing Bing Crosby in his car during the holiday season. I'm just shocked KB still remembers the words!

One of his favorite songs to sing now is "Hit the Road Jack". He even sings the right number of "no more"s after Don'tcha come back.

He's a cool kid, that one. Even if he sleeps for absolute crap.

Mad about musicals

2008-01-17T10:08:00.001-08:00

I wonder if I have the only 2.5 year old on the planet who walks around belting out

I'm SINGin in the rain
Just SINGin in the RAIN
What a GLORious FEELing
I'm HAPpy aGAIN!

KB is hysterical.

And when you ask him who sings "Singin' in the Rain", he will tell you: Gene Kelly.

When you ask him for the real name of Maria in The Sound of Music, he will tell you: Julie AnDROOS.

Hilarious.

His aunt V got him hooked on The Sound of Music when she babysat him in December. We told her and her boyfriend to help themselves to the DVD cabinet. Never mind that I thought they would play with KB until his bedtime and watch movies only *after* he went to sleep.

Anyway, she desperately wanted to watch TSoM and so put it on, despite KB's protestations. But once he started watching, he loved the songs. For a solid month after that, it was the only movie he asked to watch.

It's so funny to hear my little guy singing "These are a few of my favorite things." And "Do-Re-Mi" is one of his standards now; he will sing it for just about anyone at the slightest prompting.

I was randomly singing "We Go Together" from Grease the other night, and KB wanted to hear more of the "Boogity Boogity" song, as he calls it. So we let him watch a couple of numbers from that movie.

Now the trouble is, his favorite seems to be "Greased Lightning". But I'm a little leery of him learning the lyrics

You know that ain't no shit
We'll be gettin' lots of tit
In Greased Lightning

What's a mom of a budding musical fan to do?

15 weeks

2008-01-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

Had another pre-natal appointment earlier today. My first "boring" one (i.e., no ultrasound). Just blood pressure check (114/76), weight check (I've gained a net 2 pounds since my first OB appointment at almost 8 weeks) and a quick listen to the heartbeat.

The big news is that I've scheduled my big ultrasound. It is currently scheduled for Feb. 27. I am thinking of calling tomorrow to see if I can change the date to the 29th. One, since it's a Leap Year, why not take advantage and get a cool ultrasound date? And two, if I have the ultrasound on a Friday, KB will be home with me and can come along to the appointment. S will have to keep him under control, though. I'm hoping seeing the baby on the screen will be novel enough that KB sits still for the duration.

I'll have one appointment between now and then, but that will be another one of the quickie, boring checks.

The time is still dragging a bit, but I'm guessing things will pick up soon. At least my energy is starting to come back. I can stay up past 9 or 9:30 in the evenings now, although I still crave my naps during the afternoons.

Bathtime Conversation

2008-01-14T22:10:00.000-08:00

Me: [yawn] Oh dear.
KB: "Are you sleepy?"
Me: "A little bit. Are *you* sleepy?"
KB: "A little bit, but not much."

Just breathe

2008-01-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

Got the call about my first trimester screening results.

For trisomy 21:

Age-related risk, before screening: 1/126
New risk based on screening: 1/2501

For trisomy 13 & 18:

Age related risk, before screening: 1/239
New risk based on screening: 1/4761

Both are results equivalent to that of a 20-year-old.

So not quite the home-run we had 3 years ago but still pretty damn good.

I think I shall cancel the amnio.

Normal

2008-01-10T09:38:00.000-08:00

Just called the office where I had my first trimester screening done last week. Receptionist said my results were mailed out yesterday and should arrive today.

I am not a patient person. I hate waiting, especially for any kind of pregnancy-related results.

The receptionist assured me that my results are "normal". What does that mean? I want raw numbers.

She said she would look up the numbers for me and call me back this morning.

With KB, our odds were 1/10,000 of having a baby with Trisomy 18, and 1/22,000 of having a baby with Trisomy 21. I know I shouldn't hope for such awesome results this time. But I can't help myself.

Happy Half-Birthday, Buddy

2008-01-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

Today marks KB's 2.5 year birthday.

2.5 years.

This morning, as we do the 7th of every month, we sang "Happy Birthday" to KB in bed. Except today, he wanted to sing the 'new' version we sang for cousin BK the other day:

Happy Birthday to you
You live in a zoo
You look like a monkey
And you smell like one too!
P.U!!!!!

Tonight for bedtime, I told KB a little story about the day he was born 2.5 years ago. His little face lit up when I told him how much Mommy and Daddy loved holding him when he was born, how it was the most special day in our lives.

And I got my own gift today. This morning, S brought KB into bed with us around 5:50. Then S promptly got a phone call from someone at work about a problem; he left KB and me to continue sleeping.

KB woke up around 6:30. He put both his arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. "Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze!" he said. He looked into my eyes, still holding me, and said,

"I love you SO MUCH."

Those are the moments I want to hold in my heart forever.

The hole truth

2008-01-04T21:23:00.000-08:00

We were supposed to fly to Arkansas tomorrow. For a week. S hasn't been to Arkansas since last Christmas. KB and I haven't been there since June. This was to be our post-Christmas get-together with my family, and certainly our last trip to Arkansas for a while.

We've canceled the trip. I don't have the energy to re-hash the whole reason again, so here are the relevant bits from an e-mail I just sent to a friend explaining why I wouldn't be seeing her this week:

***************************************

There's been a change of plans, thanks to the raging rainstorms in Northern California and the brand-new 2 foot x 2 foot hole in my living room ceiling.

I had noticed a small crack in the ceiling a couple of weeks ago, but no water marks on the wall or ceiling. And the last time it rained, I thought I heard an ominous "drip drip drip" in that same corner of the ceiling. But the weather has been nice ever since, so I was only beginning to think, "Hmmm, the rainy season is coming; maybe I should get someone out here to look at the roof."

And then the rain started yesterday afternoon. By the time I thought to look at the ceiling in the living room (while KB and I were having lunch today), the small crack had turned into a bulging BIG crack, and there were now huge water spots on the ceiling and wall. F.U.C.K. The arm of the couch (directly beneath the bulging crack) was soaking wet. After I pushed and pulled the couch away from the corner, I discovered the carpet underneath was soaking wet as well.

Put a bucket under the crack and called S to ask him to come home right away. When he got home, he investigated both outside and in the crawl space above the living room (accessed from an Alice-in-Wonderland size door in KB's bedroom). He found the leak, and also discovered that the floorboards in the crawl space -- directly above the living room ceiling -- are soaking wet.

Gah.

Then S tried to mop up some of the water that was already in puddles on the crawl space floor. I happened to be downstairs collecting tools for an attempted patch job when I saw a big chunk of the living room ceiling fall. Holy shit. Just the pressure of S rubbing a towel on the floor to mop up water caused a gaping 2 foot hole in our living room ceiling.

He tried to patch up the leak as best he could, and we put KB's baby bathtub underneath it to try to catch water before it reaches the floor of the crawl space.

Anyway, there are at least 2 more storms that are supposed to come through Northern California in the next week, and I don't want to leave the house only to come back to an even bigger disaster next Saturday.

Supposedly, since the house is under 10 years old, the roof is still under warranty. We called the builder today and a contractor is supposed to get back to us "in a couple of days" to tell us when he can come inspect the damage. Apparently they are getting a lot of calls because of this storm. Oy.

***************************************

We've rescheduled the trip for a bit later. I just hope we can get the roof and ceiling fixed before then. And fingers crossed we don't get hit by any more mishaps.

I didn't even mention the huge section of fence in the backyard that is hanging by a thread thanks to the crazy winds we had today. Any more of those and at least 1/3 of the back fence is coming down, I know.

13 weeks

2008-01-03T22:20:00.000-08:00

So tired.

It's a good thing I didn't resolve to be more decisive in 2008. After being 100% certain that I was going to skip the first trimester screening and go straight to amnio, yesterday morning found me lying in a darkened room, watching a much-too-small TV as an ultrasound tech gave me the most painful abdominal u/s I've ever had.

This baby moves. A LOT. Of course, I don't feel the movements yet. But at the 10, 12, and now 13 week ultrasounds, he was moving around like crazy. Moving much more than KB was at any of these stages. Another super-active child. I am in so much trouble.

The baby's nuchal fold measurement was 1.4mm. I was very pleased with that. The u/s tech also verified the presence of the baby's nasal bone, which made me feel even better. Now I have to wait anywhere from one to two weeks for the bloodwork results.

The u/s tech did a very, very cursory pass at the genitals but immediately declared that the umbilical cord was in the way and he couldn't determine the gender. I can wait to know for sure. I will be absolutely astounded if he is really a she.

Strangely, Twin A is still measuring exactly 8 weeks. I know it's supposed to take weeks to re-absorb the embryo, but I would have thought it would get smaller as the weeks went by.

KB's little brother is measuring 13 weeks, 4 days. Little overachiever.

Operation Declutter

2007-12-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

S is on a tear lately.

He desperately, desperately wants the house decluttered. I want it too, but I want sleep more. I am really hoping my second trimester burst of energy kicks in sometime over the next couple of weeks so I can make some progress.

We've already donated an old TV and 3 old computers. We've sold some things on eBay that got rid of 3 big boxes that have been taking up space in the living room. We have a lot more stuff to donate or sell.

Need to go through my closet and sort stuff that can go to Goodwill. Also should pack away clothes that I won't be wearing again until after July.

KB's outgrown toys and clothes are in limbo. So far most (but not all) are in big clear bins. I don't want to give away or sell any clothes until we figure out if we're having a boy or a girl. If we're having another boy, we are SO set.

We have borrowed a train table from a friend and I've asked her if she's ready to have it back. KB has lost interest in it and only plays with the train table at Barnes & Noble or at his cousin's house.

We have some large items to get rid of as well (S's computer desk that he never uses, a huge upholstered chair upstairs, a spinning wheel I bought years ago, and an antique Singer sewing table come immediately to mind).

And of course, I know S would love for me to go through my craft closet and get rid of a bunch of yarn and cross-stitch stuff.

Guess I need to start making lists and prioritizing. Now if only I could find the energy and the motivation to get started.

12 weeks? Me?

2007-12-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

KB still isn't finished with Christmas. Last night he opened a few more presents, but there are still 2 left under the tree, including the Radio Flyer scooter. He is going to go nuts when he unwraps it. I should make sure he opens it when there is still some daylight left.

Had my 12 week appointment yesterday. Surreal. This is only the second time I've made it to 12 weeks, so I am still in awe.

Got another ultrasound (have I mentioned how much I love my physician's assistant, Erica? I think I have, maybe a couple hundred times). The baby was moving around like crazy. I'm still having boy vibes and I commented, "He's going to be just like KB -- won't sit still for a second."

Next appointment at the OB's office is not for another 3 weeks. We are currently scheduled for our nuchal translucency test next Wednesday, but I've just about decided to cancel that appointment and go straight for an amnio. I was 35 when I was pregnant with KB, and the first trimester screening seemed to be enough reassurance at that time.

Now, though, I am 3 years older. And I see that the office/lab we were planning to use for the screening has about an 81% detection rate. That's a pretty scary gap, and I think I need to know for sure. So amnio is scheduled for January 23. Results about a week later.

I guess the upside is, I'll know that much sooner if I should start getting out all of KB's hand-me-downs.

Our Christmas, Part I

2007-12-25T21:38:00.001-08:00

Today was a great day. I'm exhausted and about to go to bed, but wanted to write about our Christmas so far.

As expected, KB was up early, though he did sleep until 6:30. S stayed up watching movies last night and brought KB to bed with him around 1 am. For some reason, KB tends to sleep a little later when he sleeps with us.

Sent S downstairs to plug in the tree lights and fire up the video camera, then KB and I came downstairs. I really expected KB to make a beeline for the tree in the living room. Instead, as he came downstairs, he spied the very edge of the toy kitchen which we had set up in the family room. He immediately cried "My toy kitchen!!!!" How he knew just what it was from seeing a small edge of it, I have no idea.

The toy kitchen was the hugest hit of the day. KB played with it for hours today, checking out all the food, opening all the doors and cabinets, pretending to make pumpkin bread and soup. It was a long time before he wanted to even look at his other gifts from Santa, and he had almost no interest in unwrapping other gifts.

Only as I was trying to get dinner on the table did he suddenly realize that there were still presents to unwrap. He got a couple and opened them as I finished up dinner.

There are still 6 gifts under the tree. We'll let KB open them whenever he decides he's ready. He had wanted to open the biggest one, from my parents, first thing this morning, but I asked him to wait a little bit. That is a Radio Flyer First Scooter, and I know he is going to want to ride it outside the second he opens it. Hopefully I can get him to hold off until Friday, when I have the day off.

Dinner was so-so. I can't make myself do a whole lot when it's just the 3 of us here. I made a ham, scalloped potatoes and dinner rolls. But for dessert, I made a peppermint cheesecake. Yum. I was very happy with the dessert at least. :-)

OK, off to bed for me. It's been a long day and tomorrow it's back to work.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T22:54:00.000-08:00

Christmas is so much more fun now that there's a child in the house. Before KB, Christmas morning was pretty much like any other day. S and I aren't big on exchanging gifts. We usually buy a big gift that is for both of us. This year, I think I've mentioned, we're going to save money towards a big family trip in the spring.

We've been talking up Christmas, and Santa, for a couple of weeks now. And there have been several presents under the tree for about a week. KB has been SO good about not trying to open them. I'm shocked. He hasn't even really tried to pull ornaments off the tree after the first day.

His biggest thrill is rearranging the candy canes on the tree. His favorite thing to do is to gather as many candy canes as he can reach, and then see how many he can line up on a branch. It's pretty funny. And if that's the worst thing he's going to do to the tree, that's fine by me.

Today was fun. After KB's nap, the three of us made cookie dough together. KB insisted that we make the same cookies that we took to his little friends' cookie exchange a couple of weekends ago. The dough had to chill for a couple of hours, so after dinner, we rolled and baked the cookies.

KB generously decided to give Santa 3 cookies, so we put those on a plate and poured a little cup of milk, and put those under the tree.

After that, KB and I both put on our Christmas pajamas (S would not be caught dead in Christmasy PJs), read "Twas the Night Before Christmas", and KB went to sleep (after much chatting and singing songs from his new favorite movie, "The Sound of Music").

Then S and I put together KB's toy kitchen. It only took about an hour and there was no cursing or yelling involved. The kitchen looks REALLY cute. I can't wait until KB comes downstairs tomorrow and sees it.

Filled the stockings and set out KB's presents from Santa. He's getting the soccer ball he asked for, plus Tinkertoys, a Tonka truck, a Cars playmat and some of the little Cars characters. S made me put the Lincoln Logs back for another time. He said he doesn't want KB to have expectations that Santa brings a ton of gifts every year.

He's probably right. I've gotten too used to seeing how overboard my mom & sister go with my nephews. Christmas back home is insane. I'm actually glad I'm not there to see the excess this year.

Gotta get to bed. I'm sure KB will be up early (this morning, it was 5:45). I hope he's excited. I'm pretty sure I'm more excited than he will be.

Merry Christmas!

Christmas card crunch

2007-12-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have mailed 15 cards. I bought 80. Go me.

Have spent the morning trying to update my address list from last year. Almost have it done; still waiting on a couple of people to e-mail me back.

Sent cards to friends east of the Mississippi River first and figure I'll work my way west.

My friend Katrina is smart. She had her envelopes pre-printed with the recipients' addresses. I think I will try that next year.

Of course I will still procrastinate, but maybe I can save enough time to put together a Christmas letter.

I really do like sending & receiving cards. It's my own procrastinating nature that I dislike.

This is how "not pregnant" I feel

2007-12-21T11:41:00.000-08:00

S just called me from running errands to see if I wanted to meet him at a nearby Italian place for lunch.

My first thought? "Oh good, I can have some red wine with lunch!"

Took me a minute to realize, oh, no, I can't.

I will be glad when I start feeling some movement to remind me that yes, there really is a baby in there.

Christmas card photo session

2007-12-19T16:21:00.000-08:00

OK, so all two of you who read my blog will get a hint of what our Christmas cards look like this year.

This is an outtake from our session:

Better late than never (?)

2007-12-19T16:03:00.000-08:00

Finally bought holiday stamps. Started putting stamps on all our Christmas card envelopes and noticed that I used up all our cute address labels last Christmas. D'oh! No way to re-order them in time.

If I am lucky, I will have a batch of cards to send out tomorrow and Friday. I'll save the local ones for last; if I mail them Saturday, they might get delivered on Christmas Eve.

Every year I tell myself I'm going to get Christmas cards done early. Um, yeah.

Lots going on here lately. Nothing major, nothing bad -- just a lot of activity. Will catch up about it one of these days.

It's really cute seeing KB getting into the whole Christmas thing. He loves the tree and can't wait for the lights to be turned on when he wakes up in the morning.

We've been s-l-o-w-l-y putting presents under the tree, one or two at a time, so KB doesn't go nuts. So far, so good. He has only tried to open one and didn't throw a fit when I told him we were waiting until Christmas to open all the presents.

S and I decided not to exchange gifts and to instead save our money for a possible family trip in February or March. We canceled our trip to Maui when we found out about the twins and the high risk of losing one or both of them. It was going to be our first big trip with just the 3 of us and no extra relatives. I still want that.

KB meets Santa, 2007

2007-12-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

Scarily similar

2007-12-13T20:23:00.001-08:00

This is KB's 10 week ultrasound pic:

10 week u/s

2007-12-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

Still here

2007-12-12T11:55:00.000-08:00

Almost an entire week since I posted. I am feeling really withdrawn lately. Anxious, scared, you name it. Felt like I held my breath from last week's appointment until today's.

Since the RE released us last week, all my appointments from now on will be with my ob-gyn or with one of her physician's assistants. This morning's was with my favorite PA, Erica. The appointment was at 9:25. S met me at the office, I signed in at 9:20, went to give my urine sample (for once in my life, I did not have to pee and COULD NOT manage more than a few drops). We weren't in the waiting room that long, really, before the nurse called us back to check weight and blood pressure.

I've lost 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks. No idea why. I still feel hungry a lot and am eating regularly. My blood pressure was very high for me. I'm usually a 110/70 kind of gal, and today's reading was 141/70. Of course, the nurse had just opened my chart and said "Oh, twins?!" and I was explaining to her what had happened while she was taking my blood pressure.

We were taken back to one of the ultrasound rooms and I dutifully stripped from the waist down and covered myself with the paper drape. And then we waited. And waited. And waited. I think Erica finally came in around 10:15.

The nurse had told her about the loss of one of the twins, so the first thing she said when she came in was how sorry she was. We chatted a tiny bit and then she moved to the ultrasound machine. She knew I was feeling very anxious.

Twin B hasn't shrunk much since last week, and Erica said it could be weeks before my body fully reabsorbs the embryo.

Twin A (gotta think of a new name) looks awesome! Erica estimated the heart rate in the 190s (um, isn't that WAY too fast?) and calculated the baby to be 10 weeks, 2 days based on size. (I am 10 weeks today)

As we were watching the screen, the baby started moving all around. Almost looked as if he (yes, I am thinking boy again) needed to stretch a little and find a comfy position.

Got a very cute picture of him looking right at us, with his hand up by his face.

Hang in there, buddy. I'm already getting very attached to you.

Next appointment is in 2 weeks. Erica's going to do another u/s to see how things look. Have I mentioned how much I love this woman?

And then the week after that is our first trimester screening, with the bloodwork and the nuchal translucency test.

Right now, I've got to sleep. I managed to catch KB's cold and now it's turning into a sinus infection.

More later about our Christmas-y last few days...

Sad

2007-12-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

Apparently I am sadder than I thought.

S commented that I seemed really down both last night and this morning. I had a really tough time motivating myself to come to work today. And ever since I got here, I've found it very hard to concentrate. I should have just stayed home.

I really need to take the time to explore my feelings, instead of just putting on my "Life goes on" face.

More than anything, I think, I'm terrified of losing the other twin now.

Good news, bad news

2007-12-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Just got back from today's ultrasound.

Twin A looks great. Measuring exactly 9 weeks (which I am today), heart rate around 156 bpm, moving all around, limb buds distinct and waving wildly. Go, baby, go!

Twin B is gone. No heartbeat, measuring around 8 weeks, but hard to tell because features were very indistinct. My body is already starting to re-absorb the embryo.

Truthfully, I am OK. I am sad but not heartbroken.

Twins would have been very, very difficult when we already have a gorgeous, spirited, incredibly high-energy little boy at the center of our universe.

I don't mean to sound heartless or ungrateful. I am extremely grateful that Twin A looks great, and I hope with all my being that s/he continues to do well. And I did not wish or hope Twin B out of existence.

For a long, long time, I dreamed of having twins. I am sad to let go of that dream. But I have to be honest with myself and I have to be practical.

At some point, it may hit me what I've lost. For now, I feel a mixture of sadness and relief. And I feel like a horrible person for admitting that.

I am a broken record

2007-12-04T10:13:00.000-08:00

I miss caffeine. So much. I'm trying desperately to wait until the 2nd trimester to have a real, honest-to-god Diet Dr. Pepper, but I have moments of temptation every day.

KB slept through the night last night -- hooray! He was asleep before 8:30 and woke up at 6:30. I went to bed a little after 9 and woke up when KB started calling "Mommy!" on the monitor.

But I'm still exhausted and don't know how I'm going to make it to naptime. I want to fall asleep as soon as KB does, but I know I should use that time to take a shower and perform my weekly maintenance, since swimming lessons are tonight.

Aside: thank goodness next week is the last week of swimming lessons until after New Year's. KB has been taking lessons every session since he was 9 months old. I am glad he's so comfortable in the water, but right now, the weekly lessons feel like another obligation I'd like to get rid of.

Except for being tired all the time, and being super hungry much of the day, I don't really feel pregnant. I am trying not to read too much into this. My nipples aren't very sore any more. I never got morning sickness -- had some queasy feelings here and there but never threw up a single time.

Tomorrow will be 9 weeks. This pregnancy is creeping by. Even though I don't think about it every second of every day, the time is passing super slowly.

Ultrasound at 10:00 tomorrow morning at the RE's office. I cannot predict what we'll see. Last week at the OB's office, I wasn't feeling pregnant at all either, and both hearts were still beating. So I'll avoid making any predictions about tomorrow.

How did our parents do it?

2007-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. Maybe it's the relentless over-commercialism. The 47 catalogs I get a day screaming at me about "Gift Ideas!" The fact that Target had all their Christmas stuff up the day after Halloween.

I'm not a Scrooge, by any means. But I'm having a very hard time motivating myself to get the house picked up to the point where we can actually put up a Christmas tree.

Of course, I want to. When S and I were by ourselves, I put up a Christmas tree every year. Then the Christmas I was pregnant with KB, I didn't have the energy. KB's first Christmas, I didn't have the energy or the time. Plus we had celebrated Christmas at Thanksgiving with my family, because we were flying to India on Christmas day.

Last Christmas, we spent the holidays in Arkansas with my family, so we weren't going to be around much to enjoy a Christmas tree.

But this year, I want to restart the tradition. I want KB to come downstairs every morning to see the sparkling lights on the tree. I want him to take part in hanging ornaments on the branches. He deserves to have the Christmas magic that all little kids feel when they anticipate Christmas morning and Santa Claus.

I just...can't find the energy. I know I need to suck it up and do it. And it's probably going to be just me. S has never participated in putting up or decorating the tree. I guess I can't blame him, since he didn't grow up celebrating the holiday. But still. Can't he do it, or help, for KB's sake?

What S doesn't understand is that when I have to do all the everyday chores, that leaves precious little time or energy left over for the bigger tasks. Like the decluttering he desperately wants me to do. Like decorating the house for Christmas.

If he would just help me, for crying out loud, then maybe I wouldn't feel so hopeless about getting things done.

Ugh. I am sure my mom went through this. I can't remember my dad being an active participant in decorating our house/tree for Christmas either. And he sure didn't help around the house!

So how did my mom do it, with 3 small kids (or even with 1 or 2 small kids, when pregnant with another)? We always had a tree; we always had decorations. My mom cooked dinner every night, kept up with all the regular chores, and still had time to bake Christmas cookies.

And the Christmas that I was 5 years old, my dad built me a dollhouse and my mom MADE just about every piece of furniture that went into it.

For the life of me, I just can't figure out how she managed all of it.

All is well

2007-11-26T21:39:00.000-08:00

Twin A is measuring 7 weeks, 6 days. Twin B is measuring 7 weeks, 4 days. According to my dates, I am 7 weeks, 5 days.

Good, strong heartbeats. And I got to hear both of them! Awesome. I had never heard a heartbeat via a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I loved hearing that sound with KB.

Apparently I will get an ultrasound at each and every OB appointment because I'm carrying double. Yea me.

Had 8 vials of blood drawn. And a Pap smear. Bleh.

Next appointment with the ob-gyn is December 12. In the meantime, I have another ultrasound with my RE on December 5. Ultrasounds abound!

Very tired. Going to veg for a bit and go to bed. Lately I've been going to bed by 9 or 9:30.

No morning sickness to speak of but I am soooooo flippin' tired.

We're back

2007-11-26T09:24:00.000-08:00

We slipped away to a little bed and breakfast up in Mendocino for Thanksgiving. We had stayed at this particular B&B a couple of times in our previous life. It is a really great place and I will write more about it later.

S actually came up with the idea of going to Mendocino, completely unprompted, last weekend. For us, at this stage in our lives, 4-5 days' notice is pretty spontaneous.

The coast was as beautiful as I remembered it. I love the ocean. I could sit and watch it for hours.

We are so lucky that the innkeepers at the B&B were fine with us bringing KB along. The stay was not a complete disaster, as I feared it would be, but things could have been...better. KB was up at 5:30 the first two days and we had asked for the earliest breakfast delivery, which was not until 8:30. Keeping him quiet and entertained in the room was a definite challenge. We brought half a dozen of his favorite books but S didn't want to bring any of his toys. Oy.

Eventually I am going to learn that I just have to override S because he is very silly about things like this.

KB loved the ocean, although we never got close enough for him to even get his feet wet. The water here is way too cold. We had a couple of nice walks (about a mile round trip to the ocean and back) and KB walked nearly the whole way both times. Didn't tire him out enough to sleep late in the mornings, but...

It was nice to get away, but nicer still to get home. KB, as adaptable as we tend to think of him, is a creature of habit. He likes being in his house, with his toys and books. There were several times during the trip that KB said, "I wanna go home, Mommy. I wanna leave right now." I think he had a good time, and he definitely enjoyed all the outdoor time, but at this point in his young life, he prefers to stick closer to home.

And really, right now, that's fine by me.

P.S. I have my first appointment at my ob-gyn's office at 3:30 today. We haven't been released from the RE's office yet, and we will have another ultrasound there next Wednesday. S thinks I am being sneaky by going to the ob-gyn's for an appointment in between. My thinking is, I will be 8 weeks on Wednesday. Why wait until I get released from the RE (I hope) at 9 weeks, and then cross my fingers that I get an appointment at the ob's office quickly? I'm pretty sure the first trimester screening is at 11 weeks, so I'd rather get into the system and get the ball rolling on that.

An equal and opposite reaction

2007-11-19T19:58:00.000-08:00

We told our families about the twins. We had debated waiting until about 12 weeks (right around Christmas) as we did with KB, but then we caved. After all, how many times in life will we get to say, "We're pregnant with twins"? It has a much better ring to it than "Well, we were pregnant with twins, but now..."

Moving on. We limited the news to immediate family, which meant my parents & sister, S's parents, sister/BIL, brother/SIL. I am not close enough to my brother at this point in my life that I was going to call him up at 11 pm to share the news. I figure my mom will tell him and my SIL at Thanksgiving anyway.

S's family was universally thrilled. "Wonderful!" "Great news!" "Fantastic!" and "Congratulations!" are just a few of the exclamations I remember. My MIL and S's sister both added, "So, trying to keep up with your big brother?"

My family, on the other hand, seemed less than thrilled. My sister asked with a flat voice, "Are you kidding me?" She told me I should go ahead and reserve my spot at the looney bin now. She also (helpfully) added, "I hope you're not like me and got your easy kid first." While she is correct that if KB ends up being my 'easy' kid, then I am in a shitload of trouble, she could have saved the sentiment for another time.

My mother was equally unenthusiastic. Her immediate reply was "WHAT?! Are you kidding me?!" When I told her that the doctor warned us that there was a 40-50% chance of the twins reducing to a singleton, she replied, "Wow, I almost don't know..." and her voice trailed off. "Which outcome to root for?" I prompted. Yeah, pretty much. She eventually decided she would just "pray for the outcome that was meant to be."

The next morning, Mom told Dad. He had been asleep when I called. When she indicated that there might be someone new for him to meet next summer, he replied, "They're having ANOTHER one?" When Mom replied that it looked like twins, he said "Holy shit!"

So. I'm sad that my family didn't respond in the same way that S's family did. But I'm also deeply curious why they didn't. Do they think I'm too old to have another child? Do they think KB is that much of a handful that I can't handle another? Are they just stunned at the prospect of twins?

Or is it that I've been a little too forthcoming with my mom and sister about how little S does around here, and they are worried that adding twins to the mix is going to push me over the edge?

I'm really, really curious. But I'm not sure I'm ready to ask yet.

Relief...and surprise

2007-11-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

Long, long ago, before S and I knew how tough a time we would have creating a family, we talked about how many kids we wanted. Each of us comes from a family of 3 siblings. I thought 3 children sounded like a pretty good number, while S insisted he wanted only 2.

"What if," I asked him, playing devil's advocate, "we had one child, then got pregnant with twins when we tried for a second one?"

I think he said something smart-assed about giving one away.

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago. I was talking to one of S's cousins at a family gathering. She was asking if we were getting ready to try for #2. I told her that we were just starting fertility treatments again. Her eyes grew big. "Aren't you scared you might wind up with twins?" she asked me. I tried very hard to stifle a laugh. Was she kidding? Did she know how much trouble we had getting/staying pregnant with one?

Fast-forward again, post-IUI. When I asked KB if he wanted a baby brother or a baby sister, he replied, "A baby brother AND a baby sister." When I ask him how many babies are in Mommy's tummy, he replies, "Two. Two babies, and one girl."

Anyone who doesn't see what's coming, please raise your hand.

Yes, miracle of miracles, we saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats.

From a cycle that I was ready to write off after the first follicle scan. From a cycle that supposedly only had one dominant follicle and some other piddly ones.

The doctor who did my ultrasound was very blunt. He said there is a 40-50% chance of the twins reducing to a singleton. And he said there is still a 20-25% chance of miscarriage in general.

So I'm not out of the woods yet, but right now, today, I am carrying twins.

I could not be more nervous

2007-11-15T08:42:00.000-08:00

My stomach is doing flips.

I am not the least bit hungry.

And I still have over 2 hours left until my ultrasound. Aiyee.

Need to find a quiet spot and just meditate for the next little while.

Nothing to say

2007-11-14T09:01:00.000-08:00

I am so. effing. tired. And I cannot think of much to say that is not a rehash of my previous posts.

6 weeks today, more or less. Ultrasound tomorrow at 11 am. Trying very hard to think positively. This is our 4th pregnancy and we have one child, so you can see why I might be a wee bit nervous.

KB is talking so much lately. It's non-stop, all day long. It wears me out, especially when most of his conversation consists of questions and then follow-up questions.

Daddy did swimming lessons last night and I enjoyed just watching KB in the water from afar. He is so comfortable in the water, which was exactly our goal when we started swimming lessons for him. It's amazing to see how easily he puts his face in the water.

Gotta take a shower and get ready for work.

I could really use some caffeine, but I'm trying to be good. I sure miss my Diet Dr. Pepper, though.

Cravings and nausea and sex dreams (oh my!)

2007-11-12T12:26:00.001-08:00

I am sitting here at work and all I can think of are noodles. If I knew of a Pho place close by I would sooooo be making a quick run. As it is, the quick noodle place that I really like is in another little town and I don't even know how long it would take me to get there and back. I may have to take off early to indulge myself.

At lunchtime, I waited a little bit too long to eat and I swear I could feel the first waves of nausea. Morning sickness? I have no idea. Last time, if I remember, it started around 6 weeks and only lasted until 8 or so. Until I find myself hunched over the toilet, I refuse to believe it was nausea that I felt.

And last night I had my first sex dream of the pregnancy. Wow! Very hot and steamy. Um, am I a horrible person because the dream was NOT about my husband? It was about a guy that I had a HUGE crush on all through college and beyond. We're still friends and keep in touch sporadically. I've known him for almost 20 years now. Have NO idea why I had a sex dream about him last night, but I'm not complaining. :-)

Nipples are still sore. I'm still having hot flashes. I still cannot predict which way this pregnancy is going, but I am trying not to think about it too much.

Good thing I didn't get these numbers first

2007-11-08T11:20:00.001-08:00

My OB's office called yesterday with Saturday's hCG results. They use a lab that is a little, shall we say, slow.

The nurse said, "I'm a little confused why we're running these for you." Do most women just get a qualitative hCG test? Pregnant or not pregnant? Give me numbers, baby!

So my hCG level on Saturday (17dpiui) was 908. If I had gotten that number on Saturday afternoon, I would have freaked out and worried the rest of the weekend. Since my 15dpiui level was 477, I was looking for something in the 950 range.

I'm just very glad I got Monday's result (2238) first.

Again, to recap:

10/31, 11:50 am: 296 (14dpiui)
11/1, 9:00 am: 477 (15dpiui)
11/3, 10:10 am: 908 (17dpiui)
11/5, 9:15 am: 2238 (19dpiui)

The 15dpiui and 19dpiui tests were done in the lab at the RE's office. The 14dpiui and 17 dpiui tests were done by two different offices of the Stanford Blood Lab.

But still, I would think a quant. hCG is a quant. hCG.

Oh well, no point in stressing about it now.

Of course, I've been taking all my numbers and Googling obsessively for things like hCG predictive pregnancy outcome. I really need to stop.

But I think at least I've figured out why the first several weeks of pregnancy unnerve me so. There's no feedback. Aside from a couple (few) beta hCG numbers and hopefully an ultrasound (or two, or three), there is little indication WTF is going on inside my body.

At least in the second and third trimesters, you can feel the baby move and kick. From 10 or so weeks on, you can hear the baby's heartbeat on Doppler. (Aside: yes, I will be renting one again. I am that needy.)

Yes, my boobs are killing me and I maul them at every opportunity: "Are they still sore? Are they still as sore as they were yesterday?"

And I'm exhausted. But I'm sure that has more to do with my whirling dervish of a 2-year-old.

I wonder what Tom and Katie did with their ultrasound machine after Suri was born? I sure could use one right about now.

Can't believe I have to wait another week.

5 weeks, more or less

2007-11-07T09:40:00.001-08:00

My IUI was 3 weeks ago today. Not sure if conception happened that day or the following day. So I am right around 5 weeks. Will know more once I get an ultrasound.

The time is dragging. I took my first HPT on Monday night, October 29th, so I've known I was pregnant for less than 9 days. It feels like weeks.

Honestly, I thought that having a 2-year-old at home would be more than enough distraction for me. And truthfully, I don't think about the pregnancy all the time. I'm sure I had lots more time to be obsessive during those early days/weeks with KB.

If you've never experienced infertility and/or miscarriage, I suppose it's hard to understand having a great deal of anxiety during the first trimester.

I wonder how many women get two lines on a pregnancy test and sail confidently through their pregnancies, being absolutely certain they will have babies at the end?

That was probably me during my first pregnancy. Miscarriages were something that happened to other people. Not to me. Not to someone who'd been trying to conceive for 15 months and who so desperately wanted a baby.

And yet it happened all the same.

Not that I am fearful 100% of the time. Each of my hCG results has given me hope and a wee bit of confidence that things are going well. But I know that, for me, getting to that first ultrasound is key. If we see a heartbeat at 6 weeks, I will feel much better.

I can't stand waiting. I'm no good at surprises. If only I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future and know that all would end well...

Yuck

2007-11-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

Have I mentioned how much I hate progesterone suppositories?

They really really really make me feel like I'm about to start my period any minute.

And still more numbers

2007-11-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

hCG results from today: 2238.

This is great news. Thursday's hCG level was 477, and the number should have doubled twice by today's blood draw. I was hoping for a level just a smidge over 1900.

I'm happy. I'm by no means confident yet that this pregnancy will result in a live baby, but I'm happy.

First ultrasound: next Thursday (11/15) at 11 am. I'll be 6 weeks.

Gotta do lots of fun stuff with KB between now and then to distract myself.

btw, KB keeps insisting he wants "a baby brother AND a baby sister." Gulp.

More numbers

2007-11-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

OB's office called today with the results from Wednesday's bloodwork. Progesterone was "normal" (I'll ask on Monday for the actual number).

hCG from Wednesday was 296.

So, to recap:

10/31, 11:50 am: 296
11/1, 9:00 am: 477

This is better than the "doubling every 48 hours" rate.

So far so good.

P.S. I know, I really should have just been patient and gone to my RE's office as scheduled. I called my OB's office on Wednesday, thinking they could get my results the same day. When they said they couldn't give results for at least 48 hours, I felt stupid saying "OK, just forget it".

P.P.S. S is home. He is reading bedtime stories to KB as I type. Sweet relief.

hCG numbers

2007-11-01T21:28:00.001-07:00

Went to the fertility clinic this morning for my blood draw. The nurse called me back in less than 3 hours.

My hCG level at 15dpiui is 477. (For comparison, my number with KB at the same stage was 408.)

Normally, they'd test again after 48 hours to make sure the number doubles, but the nurse told me to wait until Monday.

Not sure why; the clinic is open weekends since not everyone ovulates or starts a period Monday through Friday.

Anyway, by Monday afternoon I should have a better idea of where this might possibly be going.

Oh, here's something laughable: I was advised to take it easy, avoid straining or lifting, etc. I asked what I was supposed to do with my 32 pound toddler who still likes to be carried when it suits his fancy. The nurse replied "Try to distract him with something else when he asks you to carry him."

Riiiiiiiight. Because that always works.

Halloween

2007-11-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

KB loved trick-or-treating last night. He was a little shy at the beginning, but after maybe two houses, he started yelling "TrickerTreat! TrickerTreat! TrickerTreat!" as soon as we'd ring a doorbell.

He only stopped and tried to eat candy once, and I told him that candy was "for putting in his trick-or-treat bag now and for eating later". He actually listened, and repeated it back to me several times throughout the evening. Of course, as soon as we got home, he wanted to eat candy and there was no way in hell that was happening just before bedtime.

He pitched a hellacious fit after we got home. My southern relatives would have deemed it a "wall-eyed fit". We were both crying by the end. I couldn't do anything right. Even if he told me he wanted me to do something (like carry him upstairs), he then changed his mind and screamed bloody murder that he wanted to do something else.

I think he was just very tired from three nights in a row of late bedtimes *and* the Halloween party he had at daycare, where the kids got terribly sugared up.

He was completely fine this morning and did not make reference to any badness last night. I've been giving him as many hugs and snuggles as he will let me because I still feel like shit about how last night went down.

S comes back tomorrow and I am so ready for the relief. Being a single parent is f*cking hard. I don't know how people do it for weeks, months, years on end. Seriously.

I told my mom tonight, every time I have to do this single parent gig for any length of time, I have more and more respect for my sister and what she must go through on a regular basis.

Trick...or treat?

2007-10-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

This is 12 days post-IUI. I'm in shock. I truly did not think we had a very good chance this cycle. Holy shit. I guess it is true what they say: it only takes one.

Oh, and yes, I've got a huge case of the "What the hell have I done"s as well.

I want to go in tomorrow for a beta, but KB's home with me all day and I can't see taking him to the fertility clinic with me. Oh well, I guess I can wait 'til Wednesday.